Men are getting stiffer torsos and cores than you, crazy mean arms and legs, for nickels and pennychange. You spend money trying and failing to get intimidating hills of meat and sinew while poor boys like me get bulked and powerbloated off of common household things, even things in your own home you've been too fucking stupid to eat.


Yeah! Hair! You might think you're giving yourself a buzz cut, but you could also be giving yourself a buff gut. Check out these factoids. Human hair is 63% protein and 12% Vitamin B, or Vitamin Buff, and you're making yourself a fool out of yourself if you think those feathery bangs are worth their weight in swole. Dog hair is 42% protein and 13% Vitamin B, with the remaining 43% of fur matter dedicated to Particle X. While the scientific "jury" is out on the makeup of Particle X, here's what we do know: Per raw ounce of pooch scruff fluff, we're seeing men get stronger and handsomer than ever, because I was tested by CalTec's Ruggedness Index. Perhaps we have finally harnessed the last source of energy to elude mankind throughout his days, the source of the scrappy pup's will to scurry about all day. Your scurrying will be in the gymnasium, though, you scamp, and you'll push and pump iron like a junkyard dog with an appetite for thick ass biceps and lats, with little way to sate his hunger but to pound reps and build his own to eat. Sad state for a brawn dog, but luckily you're a man.


Chow down, mound hound. Your shoulder mounds and insane leg power has got you barking at the pull-up bars and frothing a fine fizz of creatine flecks, but no word on your pecs. Know why this is? Your shame, your locker room shame as you curtain your tuned torso with towels to hide your total lack of chest bulk? You ain't eatin' right! You're buying pasta and pizzas, feeding your maw while your toned tubes wither. Shriveling beef man, beefy for little longer, what will you do? Stop paying top dollar for energy drinks! Grow up, embrace the chow! Most top weightlifters and handsome men will soon be eating dog food. Science Diet Active Formula contains every nutrient vital to peak gym performance, and your locker room peers will notice.


High musclemass to dollars spent ratio has you living like the biggest king in history. Hurf durf, Dog Muscle King is benchpressing some serfs. What country would you be muscle king of? Think about it, because once you're downing these kibbles you're going to feel like a real piece of work, and you're going to want to do something with your large array of high-performance dog muscles. Consider the possibility of running on all fours, because the dog food has enabled and enlarged the latent bundles of fibrous tissues in your arms, giving you the long-coveted Scurry Cluster. Also in your repertoire of new tricks and moves: Power Pushups. Dogs lie down and then stand back up all day, every day, and now you're going to have all that power. Bored with pushups and bodylifts already? Dig a hole, dude! This canine bulk you've built allows you to tunnel and burrow with the best of em! In a tough situation, stuck between a rock and a hard place? Descend through the earth and clay with style, then resurface in a cool spot like a beach or concert! "What a cool trick," onlookers will say, "That dude sure has serious arms with crazy looking muscles, like a dogs arms..."

After shaking off the dirtclumps that have gathered on your angular rippling frame, and cracking a brew and chuggin some suds with your new buds who are impressed by your aptitude for subterranean excavation (diggin dude) you're going to get to thinking. What's next for the Dog Man? Well the truth is, I don't know. As of the time of this article's publication, I am the only man who has gotten extremely strong from eating dog food and fur, so I am alone in this world of normal-muscled men. Perhaps you will follow my footsteps that turn to paw prints that turn back to footsteps once I figured out how to fit shoes on my pawfeet. My midnight howls, which sound more like a shrieking man than a dog, might someday be met by yours?? I dont know, but I've never been so thoroughly jacked, and so can you be too if you can man the fuck up and eat a dogs hair and food. You could be super ripped in a week, a future dog man, for free, if you take the fur and food from someone else's dog.

Dog Man Out, AwooooOOOOoo

– Justin "Hoobastank" Marquis (@fart)

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