Hello children, how are you doing today? Brushing your teeth, washing behind your ears, and reporting your parents' Communist activities to the proper authorities? Good. My name is Major Von Noodlebrau, ice cream baron of Indiana. Today we will be learning about proper manners. You kids are apt to get into all kinds of monkeyshine, disobeying your elders, not washing before supper, and being terrible little bastards in general. In order to instruct you children on the proper way to behave yourselves, we will be examining the actions of weekend Something Awful writers Greasnin and Goofus (also known as Frolixo). Greasnin is a well-mannered young man that has good personal hygiene, avoids the temptation of evil women, and obeys the word of Jesus as his own. Goofus, on the other hand, is a disobedient rapscallion who is devoid of any good manners whatsoever, and likes to listen to Dokken at very high volume levels on his ghetto blaster. We will be examining their behavior today and tomorrow, learning the correct and incorrect ways to conduct yourselves.
Being the ice cream baron of Indiana allows me to be in constant contact with children, good and bad. Unfortunately most the children I meet lack any respect whatsoever, spray painting naughty words on my ice cream van, joining forces in a concentrated effort to tip the van over, effectively spilling its frozen snacks into the street for their grubby little hands to plunder. The Greasnins of this world only become proper lads through discipline and teaching. Greasnin himself was reared in a very old fashioned manner by his parents, always going to ball games with his father, his mother driving him to soccer practice, and being burned with cigars for bringing home anything less than an A. Goofus, on the other hand, never had a strong father figure in his life since his dad left him to be a roadie for Warrant. His mother was a bow-legged one-eyed prostitute that died during his birth, causing the authorities to charge baby Goofus with 2nd degree murder, the youngest ever to be charged since Michigan's "zero tolerance" law came into effect. Thus, he spent the rest of his young life in Juvenile Hall, where his bad behavior worsened. These two are polar opposites, and perfect examples of good and bad behavior. Let's take a look, shall we?
Greasnin: Opens doors for old ladies
Greasnin, being a thoughtful and generous lad, takes great care of the elderly since they often need a helping hand. Taught to respect his elders, he often holds doors open for old ladies who are not very strong in their advanced age. Often they reward Greasnin with a pinch on the cheek or a penny for his troubles, yet he will never accept a monetary reward. The knowledge that he helped is a reward enough. You kids should take note. Most of you play your electronic TV games while your grandparents are begging for help after falling in the tub. Bury your fear of wet, naked old people, and help them out. Greasnin would.
Goofus: Slamming doors on old ladies' heads repeatedly.
Instead of aiding the elderly in need like Greasnin does, Goofus takes extreme pleasure in causing intense trauma and pain to older persons. Whenever opening a door for an old lady, Goofus waits for the perfect moment to spring his diabolical trap. Right when the old lady is almost through the door, he slams it with all his might, usually shattering her skull or neck. If his victim survives, or if he is feeling extra sassy, Goofus will set the old ladies on fire while their head is still jammed in the door. Besides crushing the elderly's skulls in doorways, he also steals their hearing aid batteries to use in his Game Boy Advance. What a clown!
Greasnin: Avoiding candy and other sweets that are unhealthy.
While candy and sweets may taste good, they are not very healthy for you. Not only can they spoil an appetite for supper, they are also bad for your teeth and complexion. Greasnin, being a well-informed lad with a strong willpower, turns down the treats, instead chewing on some nice raw cabbage. This will make his bones and muscles strong so he can survive the long winter months ahead. Nature is a cruel mistress, and if Greasnin cannot keep up with his herd, he will be left behind to be torn apart by hungry wolves. The exception to this rule is ice cream. All good children love ice cream and should purchase it from their local ice cream man daily.
Goofus: Gets high on crack rock and injects heroin into his scrotal sack.
Unlike Greasnin, Goofus likes to do whatever feels good at the moment, not caring about the long-term consequences. Instead of saving his allowance money for a new bike or model airplane, Goofus likes to go to the corner of Michigan Avenue and Inkster Road to buy crack rock. He usually goes on a crack binge after school, and then hits the streets in a manic disposition. One time during a crack fueled rage, he sliced a cop's face open and stole his gun, using it on an 8 state robbing spree until he was captured by the US Army. Goofus also likes to inject heroin straight into his scrotal sack. This is a way for him to escape the reality of this world, slumping into a hazy coma until revived with an adrenaline shot to the heart. While this may sound fun to you kids, drugs are serious business!
Greasnin: Is sensitive to cultural and racial differences.
An astute and knowledgeable boy, Greasnin respects all races and cultures, no matter how strange or different they may seem. He welcomes multi-racial friends into his household, learning about their way of life, and how it relates to his own upbringing. Greasnin also walks around in Harlem by himself late at night, resulting in getting stabbed a few times, but still continues to do so, not letting his fear overtake his good manners. Sharing an ice cream cone is the perfect way to break down the barriers of culture. You kids eat your ice cream!
Goofus: Systematically persecutes and slaughters millions of Jews.
What a goofball! Instead of being tolerant of every color and race, and loving everybody equally as all of God's children, Goofus uses his political position, flare for public speaking, and the populous' willingness to do his bidding to create a system of mass murder. Thanks to the passive uncaring attitude of the other world powers, Goofus is able to get away with waging a war of religious persecution unhindered for many years until a final solution is put into place to slaughter the Jews like cattle, disposing of the bodies in thousands of ovens. You children out there need to know that committing genocide is just bad manners, and quite uncouth. Instead, try participating in team sports, or the marching band.
That that was some great fun, and we sure learned a lot today, didn't we kids? Be sure to conduct yourselves like the Internet's Greasnin, for he is a perfect example of how to behave in society, and a role model for children everywhere. Goofus, or on the other hand, does not conduct himself in a proper manner, making those around him uncomfortable and/or dead. We will continue to follow the antics of Greasnin and Goofus tomorrow, so don't miss it, or your life and eternal soul may be forfeit!
(A special thanks to forum goon "fuckingtest", who despite being a very ill-mannered boy, is an extremely skilled artist and created the pictures for this weekend of learning.)
State Og: A Delicacy In Some Third World Countries
Hiya folks, Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell here once again. As you can tell by now, Frolixo isn't quite as dead as I reported last Saturday. While I blame this error on a severe drinking problem (Frolixo's), I am very sorry for any suffering or minor groinal discomfort you might have experienced as a result. Hopefully this week's State Og will help to ease the tensions between us, and you can learn to love me once again:
Several hours and numerous anal probes later, you'll arrive at State Og headquarters, where our very own whimsically dressed president will give you a personal tour of the facilities. You'll see firsthand how such products as "It Might Be Guacamole" and "Three Alarm Suppository Chili" are created, while enjoying periodic musical numbers by the legendary State Og Short Fucks, who have been spraypainted orange for no apparent reason. But wait! The fun doesn't end there!
Read the rest of this week's State Og, and hopefully all will forgiven in time for my update next Saturday. I was thinking about making some fajitas and renting a movie; it'll be good "us" time.
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The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.