Hello again children! How are you today? Washing your hands before every meal, scrubbing your toes, and washing your teeny little dangly bits? Good. Once again, I am Major Von Noodlebrau, ice cream baron of Indiana. Today we will be continuing our lesson on proper manners. I certainly hope you all learned a lot from yesterday's lesson, as we examined the behavior of two writers for that Something Awful website on that newfangled internet, Greasnin and Frolixo, who we've decided to call Goofus. As we saw, Greasnin is a fine, upstanding, moral young man who respects his elders, takes good care of his body, is polite at all times, and never complains or cries when I pinch his cute little bottom. Goofus, on the other hand, is not a very good boy at all. He does not play nicely with the other children, he gets dirty and never washes up, he hates Jesus on a very personal level, he has a serious drug collection but he never shares, and he is a shameless flirt whenever he comes by my ice cream parlor. Also, once he made fun of my moustache.
Children, having good manners is one of the most important things to learn. You need to know how to treat yourself and others well and with courtesy if you want to be treated well in return. Children with good manners like Greasnin are well liked by their schoolmates, families, clergymen, and ice cream entrepreneurs. They are the most popular children in class an everyone wants to be their friend. They grow up to be mature, responsible, happy adults with good jobs that they enjoy and a family who loves them very much. Children who have bad manners like Goofus are not well-liked at all. No one ever wants to be their friend and they go through school dirty, smelly and alone. Since they forsake the teachings of the Good Lord, the Lord turns his back on them as well. No church will comfort them and their families throw them out of their houses. They are forced to live in alleyways and under the slides on playgrounds and in the backs of ice cream parlors and fend for themselves. They become ugly and misshapen from eating nothing but occasional handfuls of sundae toppings, dirt, and loose change. No employer will ever hire them and no one will ever love them. They grow up miserable and lonely and die early deaths in the middle of public roads. They will find no peace or happiness in death, though, because God hates children with poor manners and has written them off long ago, so they are sent to Hell to burn in searing agony while demons stab at their eyes and nasal passages with their needle-like genitals for all eternity. Since you all want to be good-mannered children, let's have us a look at some more examples of good and bad behavior from Greasnin and Goofus.
Greasnin: Says his prayers every night before bed.
Greasnin is filled with a love and fear of the one true God Jehovah and his son Jesus who died so that we might all find our redemption. He knows that God is loving, but that his wrath is a terrible thing to behold. That is why Greasnin kneels beside his bed and clasps his hands in prayer each and every night. He thanks God for all that He has done during the past day, listing every individual event in sequence. If ever he forgets to pray one night, the next morning he is sure to punish himself appropriately by flagellating himself for one hour for every consecutive night that he missed. That is how Greasnin shows the Lord that he wants Him to always be happy and know that He is loved by His creations on Earth.
Goofus: Creates his own religion as a tax shelter.
Goofus turned his back on the Lord in 1989 after the Cubs lost a game that he had bet a significant sum on money on. After that, he decided that he would worship in his own way - by creating his own religion and brainwashing lonely people and celebrities into swearing allegiance to him, giving him large sums of money, and working in his spiritual sweat shops making informational videos and book jackets for the novels he has ghost written in his name. Instead of praying by his bedside, Goofus sails around day and night on his yacht purchased with money made by his religion, being careful to have his hired staff of bikini-clad models keep him securely within international waters. He claims that he is on a spiritual journey and that he can only commune with the great alien presence of Zanthax the Hive Mind when he is beyond the bounds of the laws of man.
Greasnin: Stays away from pornography and other sinful smut.
Greasnin knows that the only real love in the world is fraternal love. And not that filthy fraternal love with the tushy-intercourse, but the clean, honest love that two people can share out of mutual respect for one another. Everything else is just carnal lust, which makes Jesus weep tears of pure acid that melt his cheeks. Also, Greasnin knows that spilling his manseed for any reason other than bringing another life into this world is the worst thing he could possibly do and that if he did so, a pit would open beneath him and an unholy vortex would suck him directly to the seventh circle of the infernal pit. That is why Greasnin always stays away from pornography. While it is true that he worked for four years at a video store specializing in pornography, he only worked there to dissuade passers-by from renting that awful smut.
Goofus: Downloads 20 gigs of shemale porn.
On the other hand, Goofus spills his seed three or four times a day. At least ten other times per day he collects it in jars and stores them in a refrigerator in his basement for purposes that are not entirely clear at this point. He has become bored with watching cheap women dance and gyrate for his pleasure. Now he searches the internet nightly for more free hermaphroditic pornography to add to his already massive collection. The contrast between the shemales' feminine bodies and immense male genitalia excites Goofus more than anything else can, including straight sex, lesbians, gay men, bondage, golden showers, scat porn, and bestiality. His mind reels with naughty thoughts about surgically grafting penises onto many of today's young female celebrities, such as Selma Hayek and Hillary Duff. He hopes to someday devote a website of art, stories, and poetry to this subject.
Greasnin: Looks both ways before crossing the street.
With all of today's modern motorists zipping to and fro, it can be dangerous to cross even the smallest of roads. Greasnin knows that drivers have many things to think about, including the amount of gas in their car, their current speed and the posted speed limit, the directions to their destination, the current time, how hot their coffee is, what the top story is in the business section of their local newspaper, how their makeup or shaving job looks, and a hundred other little details. They cannot be expected to see every single pedestrian who happens to want to get across the street. That is why Greasnin is always careful to stop on the curb and look left, then right, then left again before proceeding across to the other side. That way, he always knows when to walk and when to wait, and he always gets across safely without inconveniencing anybody.
Goofus: Rampages through traffic in his fifty-foot Killbot.
Goofus never learned the virtue of patience. Rather than looking from side to side and waiting for it to be safe to cross the street, he simply storms right across the road, and traffic be darned. No mere motorist can withstand the might and blazing speed of Goofus' fifty foot tall, nine ton Killbot. Its car-crushing claws can swat a Ford Explorer thirty yards straight into the air or shear through up to ten inches of solid steel. the Killbot itself is made from NASA-grade titanium and is powered by weapons-grade plutonium, and the chances are slim that Goofus obtained such vast quantities of either of those through legal means, to say nothing of the Quadium lasers, .50 caliber chain guns, dual flamethrowers, or Scorpion missile launchers. The Killbot has enough power to leap over a city block, but Goofus instead chooses to blaze a trail of destruction through traffic. He in fact refuses to cross streets at intersections, and sometimes actually swerves to hit more cars. While Goofus himself crosses the street safely, he tends to injure or kill multiple motorists each time. Also, he frequently has to spend his entire allowance rebuilding the Killbot after repeatedly getting into scrapes with Superman.
Boy gosh, kids, that sure was educational and fun! I hope you learned a thing or two from our friend Greasnin and our mortal enemy Goofus. We hate Goofus, don't we children? We want him to suffer, isn't that right? Of course it's right! Well now, you all follow Greasnin's example and be good, well-mannered children from now on, and I'll see each and every one of you in Heaven in a few years! Or alternately, I'll see you around the ol' ice cream parlor! I've got a nice double scoop just waiting for you! It's right around the counter in the back. So long, kids!
(A special thanks to forum goon "fuckingtest", who made the pictures for these two days of learning out of the ashes of the burnt corpses of children who never said "please" when asking someone to pass a dish at supper.)
Weekend Web: The Fall of the Internet
Hello friends, Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez here. Despite all bets against it I am back for another weekend with the most horrible forums the internet has to offer. This week The Weekend Web tackles Something Awful's age old nemesis, furries. Nine out of ten medical professionals agree, a little bit of your soul dies with each Weekend Web image that you read. Don't believe me? Just try this free sample with no obligation to buy:
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.