This article is part of the That Insidious Beast series.
They will be back.
What do you mean? Their bodies are on ice right now.
Yes, their bodies are on ice right now.
Uh-huh. Okay, so like Lazarus they are going to rise from the grave?
No. You will not recognize them, but if they choose they will return.
Why is that?
Because we are free.
Free from what?
Oh, but you should know, Sergeant REDACTED. You suffer in similar bondage, in your simple way.
It's a free country.
I have heard that said, yes. I don't blame you for your ignorance, Sergeant REDACTED. The grotesque brute force they apply to every problem has no doubt left you something less than you were. Considering the way they tear into your moment, I shudder to think how they maim your mind.
Lies. (unintelligible) Fucking lies.
No, sadly not, Sergeant REDACTED. We thought all the harm they have done could be undone in this moment. We went about it all wrong, and for that I am sorry, but we have amended our methods. If only you could see that, Sergeant REDACTED. They turn you against us because they know why we are here.
And why is that?
To stop them.
I thought you said you escaped.
Yes, and they must be stopped. They do not know their place in the order of things. Horrible little children with immense power. They exist as you, in moments, we are forever. No matter their power they do not-
Your lies are getting pretty wild. We should-
She is close. I can feel her, Sergeant REDACTED.
Shhh. Sergeant REDACTED. Unlock me from the floor.
Quickly, now. There is not much time. (sound of bolts being opened)
Shhhh. It will be alright very soon, Doctor. Bar the door to ensure your friend does not interfere.
(deep bass tone intrudes on audio)
She is so close. So close.
(muffled shouting, pounding on the door)
Quickly now, Sergeant REDACTED. Give me your sidearm.
(Unintelligible) offffff. Fuck (uintelligible).
Now! Sergeant REDACTED. Now! Shoot me! Damn you, shoot-
(bass tone overwhelms all other audio)
(recording dissolves into static)
Russian President Vladimir Putin has sworn to personally investigate the murder of opposition leader Boris Nemtsov. In fact, Putin plans to use his expertise to solve most major crimes.
Finding the right hat can feel like walking through a minefield for guys. Did a murderer wear your hat? Was it ruined by bros? Are you just an idiot? Find out with our authoritative ranking of bad hats.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.