I spent all day looking for my hat. Is it in my bedroom? Is it by my computer? Is it in my fridge? I couldn't find it anywhere. Then wow, I found it. It was on my head the whole time!
When I don't shower, my feet smell like popcorn, my bellybutton smells like Wonder Bread, my mouth tastes like milk and bologna, and my hair clumps up like linguini. I'm what they call a real Foodie, Alex!
Alex, is it not interesting that we call them twins yet they cannot feel the darkness within our hearts?
And right there in the pet shop I realized that all iguanas are reptiles, but not all reptiles are iguanas. Makes you think, doesn't it?
Max Marlar, Day Two
Sometimes, late at night, alone, I close my eyes, and all I see is the skulls, Alex. All I see is the skulls.
A lot of people hated middle school. It was okay in my opinion.
Bookstores are the best place to meet members of the opposite sex. Or the same sex even. Most of the people are really nice and everything smells nice. There are books and a few chairs that mostly have old people in them. Sometimes I think I could live in a bookstore, but then the bookstore workers remind me that no, I cannot. Bookstore workers aren't very nice.
Max Marlar, Day Three
Alex, the only time I ever feel alive is watching CCTV footage of train casualties.
I really wanted a turtle but my mom said no. When we put her in the home, I could have gotten one--a turtle--but I didn't want one anymore.
It was an interesting 2003, but how many other people can say they've reshot Hot Shots Part Deux scene by scene?
Max Marlar, Day Four
Alex, can you imagine the things we found clearing out her room. We try not to, and yet when we wake in the morning, our minds are already swollen with fear. We were so young, Alex. How were we to know the horrors of this realm? How could we realize how hopeless it is, how there is no escape?
Baba booey, baba booey, baba booey.
I wanted a new cellular phone, but I couldn't afford it. Well, I just waited for a year until I could get an upgrade. I didn't end up getting that phone, but with a two year contract extension I got another good one that takes pictures.
Remember those Beggin Strips commercials? Whenever I see a dog I still imagine them talking in that silly voice. "Bacon!" People at the dog park ask me all sorts of questions, but I sort of just giggle by myself. "Bacon!"
Lorrie Zeiger, Day Two
Grocery stores are just okay at meeting people but they're A++ for buying ginger ale.
Max Marlar, Day Five
When a man enjoys tastes forbidden by humanity, Alex, is he surpassing his species or devolving into hatred embodied?
After the emergency workers shot me full of adrenaline, they told me what seems obvious now--I'm really, really allergic to Silly Putty.
I'm pretty involved in social media networks. Check me out at At Symbol Wacky Vintage Bacon. Just like that. Hashtag laughs.
Max Marlar, Day Six
Do you have any idea how many mongrels you can get from the Humane Society before they grow suspicious? Infinite, Alex. They never catch on.
Over the last few weeks an outnumbered but brave group of men calmly used facts and logic to conclusively prove that women are ruining video games with their lustful object bodies. But there are other threats to everything gamers hold dear.
Sleeping with AC is at this point a basic human right. But if you're one of the doomed souls forced to deal with global warming on a nightly basis, here's an hourly breakdown on how to get the most out of your inferno hellscape of a bedroom.
We're spelunking through the movie catacombs this week. Join us, won't you?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.