Welcome to the biweekly love and advice column, "Backyard Love", where YOUR
personal and private love questions are answered by some of the most talented backyard wrestlers in the industry! We study and hand-pick the top five backyard wrestlers twice a month and give them YOUR
email questions! Feel free to ask them about anything
in your love or private life, ranging from people you may have a crush on, to sexual dysfunctions that you fear may be slowly killing you!
Today's Backyard Love experts are:
NAME: Evan "55-Gallon Kong" Kristopherson
RECORD / DIVISION: 48-5-4 (Earnsville Extreme Extremist Entertainment (EEEE))
TRADEMARK MOVE: "The Donkey Kong" (kidnaps his opponents girlfriend and / or mother, climbs to the roof of the nearest house, and rolls barrels into makeshift ring towards the challenger)
BACKGROUND: The son of an abusive, successful, toxic waste disposal specialist, young Evan Kristopherson spent much of his childhood stealing 55-Gallon drums of radioactive refuse from his father's truck and pouring the hazardous ooze into his sandbox. There, he would spend many happy hours building and then destroying his complex irradiated sand sculptures. On his eighth birthday, Evan received a ColecoVision and a copy of Donkey Kong that a friend of his father had rescued from his trash pickup route. Evan proceeded to play the game nonstop for the next six years but never managed to get past the first level. Assuming Donkey Kong was an invincible, magical, godlike being, Evan stole his father's truck, loaded it up with empty 55-Gallon drums, ran away from home, adopted the moniker "55-Gallon Kong," and set out to make a name for himself in the backyard wrestling circuit.
QUOTE: "I talk trash and I trash talk tough! THIS IS THE WORD OF OUR KONG!"
NAME: Mexican Jumping Queen
RECORD / DIVISION: 214-63-12 (Del Taco Southwest Wrestling Association)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Jumpin' Jam Jubilee" (jumps over adversary, simulates slam dunk on nearest basketball hoop, and thrusts his hips in a vulgar and obscene manner towards said adversary)
BACKGROUND: The identity of the mysterious Mexican Jumping Queen is closely guarded secret, as is any solid information regarding his past. Legend has it that the Jumping Queen began his career as a young boy in the Mexico City hardcore wrestling leagues in the mid-90's before making his way to the backyard leagues of the Southwest. He has never been seen wearing anything other than his trademark red and white mask and blue jeans, and refuses to wrestle in any location lacking a basketball hoop in the vicinity. This strange decree is made even stranger by the fact that the Mexican Jumping Queen has reportedly never handled a basketball in his life, despite his extraordinary jumping ability. Narcissistic, flamboyant, and possibly a bit fruity, MJQ loves to show off his body and taunt his foes with hip thrusts. His favorite song, not surprisingly, is House of Pain's "Jump Around."
QUOTE: "I too sexy for shirt, yes?"
NAME: FUCK YOU NINJA!!!
RECORD / DIVISION: 48-3-3 (Mike Perry's Northeast Langford Backyard Federation)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Silent Twilight ASSHOLE" (running around the ring in circles while cursing at opponent and throwing lawn furniture, preferably lit on fire and wrapped with barbwire, at them)
BACKGROUND: The mysterious FUCK YOU NINJA!!! appeared in the backyard wrestling circuit around 1998, with nothing but a pure white mask, hockey jersey, and the will to defeat all challengers in his way. Despite his self professed strategy of "cunning, silent, and surprising" attacks, the FUCK YOU NINJA!!! seems to be limited by his advanced case of Tourette's Syndrome, which causes him to randomly shout profanities and blow his cover. When undertaking particularly stealth-filled missions, the FUCK YOU NINJA!!! stuffs his mouth with a rolled up sock, but he still usually manages to become detected by uncontrollably banging trashcans with a wooden stick.
QUOTE: "In the dead of the SHITFAG night, nobody is BASTARD safe from my blackened hand of justice CUNT BUTT WHORE GRAB ASS APPLE COW SHIT."
NAME: Revolutionary Scarecrow
RECORD / DIVISION: 34-2-1 (Iowa Cornfuckahz League)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Hay-Fork-U!" (hits opponent with metal chair to knock them onto the mat, then stabs then repeatedly in the back of the neck with his pitchfork in an attempt to harvest foe's brain for his own evil purposes)
BACKGROUND: Not much is known about the mysterious Revolutionary Scarecrow, other than the fact that he has led farm uprisings in several states, seems to be able to talk to animals, and stuffs his clothing with hay. Incredibly violent and catastrophically dirty, the Revolutionary Scarecrow is a feared opponent who refuses to wrestle without his pitchfork, a preference which has kept him out of more high-class and respected wrestling leagues like the USWLWW. His only two losses occurred when birds pecked the Scarecrow into submission, apparently mistaking the Scarecrow's odor for that of a long-dead corpse.
QUOTE: "I will got a brain and it is you!"
NAME: El Terror De Fuego
RECORD / DIVISION: 52-1-6 (El Paso Kickass Backyard Wrestling Coalition)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Death Lunge" (picking up opponent, lifting them into the air, and then throwing chairs and tables at them which have been laced with barbwire and lit on fire)
BACKGROUND: El Terror De Fuego, who was cursed with Alzheimer's Disease since the age of 8, grew up in Tiajuana. When he was 12 he tried to escape and cross the border to the US. However, upon entering the States, he forgot why he ran across the border to begin with. He immediately ran back to his home, only to remember why he fled in the first place, causing him to turn around and run past the border once more. A few scant minutes after crossing the border, El Terror De Fuego forgot why he was running. This kept happening for the next six years, at which point he realized he had become very fast and powerful. Instead of trying out for the Olympics, El Terror De Fuego decided to become a backyard wrestler because he was attracted by the lure of "free used paint buckets."
QUOTE: "MY FIRE BURNS YOU DEADLY BUT YOU CAN YET BE SMOTHERED BY ME! OF FIRE! HA HA MAKE YOUR PEACE OR BURN?"
Now that today's experts have been introduced, onto the questions!