After two days of intense deal making and contract signing, the top selections of the 2011 Master Degree in Business Administration Draft have been formally announced. With these future leaders of capitalism, I'd sure hate to be in a union right about now.
1. Debbie "Deb" Donaldson, Age: 35
Selected by Bank of America
This year's number one pick went to Debbie "Deb" Donaldson, a woman who stepped upon the national stage as a young girl when she single handedly used a school sponsored wrapping paper sale to bilk forty-five elderly women out of fifty-two thousand dollars. She quickly followed this with her aggressive takeover of the breakfast table, where two older brothers were forced into a deal guaranteeing her 86% of all marshmallows found in Lucky Charms and Count Chocula as well as first look at all upcoming boxed prizes. As the third female first pick (and the first since the 1990s gender wars), Deb said she will feel "right at home" in the Bank of America foreclosure branch. She then laughed at her accidental pun.
2. Alex Technerd, Age: 23
Selected by Pfizer
Neither cutthroat, industrious, nor notably intelligent, Alex has one thing that most recent graduates do not: Contacts. His father, a retired pharmaceutical lobbyist, and mother, the model that famously rolled across the car hood in the Whitesnake music video for "Here I Go Again", pulled every string possible to land Alex a comfortable job. His main dream, ambition, and college thesis of creating a Hot Pocket that heats itself is considered on indefinite hiatus as he begins his quality control leader at Pfizer. For now he will have to microwave them himself. When asked how he felt about being selected so high in the draft, Alex responded, "I still get to live in mom's basement, right?"
3. Woody "Wood-Man" Walton, Age: 25
Selected by Comcast
Woody's hard work in college was not spent in books, but in earning the trust of a wide variety of groups. By the end of his sophomore year, he was on the board of the Asian American Club, College Democrats (as well as Republicans, Libertarians, Socialists, Tea Party, Anarchists, and the unsanctioned Skin Head "Army"), Sorority Cross-Stitchers, Kickball Club, and fifteen more. He was president of a record twenty-two clubs his senior year and played influential roles for eight more. Through these positions, he was able to convince members and the board to grant him total control of club savings on the pretence that he would invest the money and not funnel it into his own personal accounts. He, however, lied. When challenged by the clubs, Woody brought forth numerous loopholes within the organization byelaws-a document he had slowly manipulated over the years. "That's right," he was quoted in The Lantern, the campus newspaper, "eat it." His swagger, selfishness, and unnecessary ruthlessness quickly gained the attention of numerous corporations, though none as vocal as Comcast.
4. Phil Borleo, Age 29
Selected by ConocoPhilips (later traded to Fannie Mac)
Phil's will to do whatever it takes is proven first in his record, second on the tattoo emblazoned upon his chest stating "Whatever it Takes." Five years of undergraduate and three years of graduate school were paid by his parents on the pretense that he would repay them. Upon graduation, he immediately defaulted on the family loans to invest in his lending scheme: cigarettes. Over two years he amassed a small empire one recess at a time. Reported to trade cigarettes for fifth graders' lunch money, Phil's world came crashing down when local law enforcement ordered him to remain two hundred yards from the playground. With his customer base removed and cigarette cartons stacked from floor to ceiling in his apartment, Phil accepted a job at ConocoPhilips, but was traded two weeks later to Fannie Mac to replace Keith.
5. Keith, Age 27
Selected by Fannie Mac
In a near unheard of move, Keith was selected because of a solid resume filled with unpaid internships and a history of honest, hard work. "I guess good things can happen to good people," Keith said a week and a half before being replaced by Phil. Subsequently shifted to a part-time temp job filing foreclosure forms, Keith remains optimistic, believing that his determination and long hours will one day pay off. [Update: Keith has since been let go due to company cut-backs. He now teaches English in a foreign country. We apologize for the inconvenience.)
Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.