Two weeks ago, I worked off some of my community service hours by making fun of Democrats. Now it's time for me to consider the Republicans. If you want the short version, they're a bunch of unattractive white men who all agree on pretty much every issue, and also Ron Paul's a nutcase. Here's the long version:
Current job: Senator/The grumpy grandpa you're embarrassed to have your friends around
Tongue length: 2"
Things that are older than him: God, the Earth (unconfirmed), possibly Madonna now.
Reasons to vote for John McCain:
Current job: Former-mayor/Mr. September 11th.
Favorite tie color: Red
How "rock-n-roll" is he on a scale of 1-10: 2
Reasons to vote for Rudy Giuliani:
Current job: Actor/That guy from Law & Order who’s running for president.
Biggest fear: Waking up one day very small and having to fight for his life against ants
His nose is: Really big.
Reasons to vote for Fred Thompson:
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
U2 and Apple have conspired to place a U2 album into your music in the year 2014. You own a U2 album. And you can't get rid of it.
Ron Paul spins in his chair, trying to grab his decorative antique musket but Freddy gets it first.
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