Two weeks ago, I worked off some of my community service hours by making fun of Democrats. Now it's time for me to consider the Republicans. If you want the short version, they're a bunch of unattractive white men who all agree on pretty much every issue, and also Ron Paul's a nutcase. Here's the long version:
Current job: Senator/The grumpy grandpa you're embarrassed to have your friends around
Tongue length: 2"
Things that are older than him: God, the Earth (unconfirmed), possibly Madonna now.
Reasons to vote for John McCain:
Current job: Former-mayor/Mr. September 11th.
Favorite tie color: Red
How "rock-n-roll" is he on a scale of 1-10: 2
Reasons to vote for Rudy Giuliani:
Current job: Actor/That guy from Law & Order who’s running for president.
Biggest fear: Waking up one day very small and having to fight for his life against ants
His nose is: Really big.
Reasons to vote for Fred Thompson:
The human anatomy is home to more than three hundred organs. Doctors and chocolatiers agree that the vast majority of these revolting lumps of tissue serve little to no function. If you find yourself standing in a long line or stuck at the airport waiting for a delayed flight, consider taking a few minutes to remove the following from your person.
Do you have what it takes to make it on the ballot?
Denzel is here to set the movie scales back to zero. That's what an equalizer does, right?
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