Over the weekend attentive nerds probably noticed the buzz and press releases circulating from the floor of the Adult Entertainment Expo about a company called TrueCompanion and its "lifelike" sex robot, Roxxxy.
Despite the hype about robo wives and droid love, the self- proclaimed, "world's first sex robot" looks like Lady Gaga died having her wisdom teeth extracted. She sits motionless on a couch and she smells like a prosthetic limb factory. All of the action here is theoretical and the man with all the theories is Donald Hines.
Mr. Hines is a former employee of AT&T Bell Laboratories who worked in the artificial intelligence lab and AI is supposedly what separates Roxxxy from lifeless latex love hunks like the Real Doll.
"She's a companion. She has a personality. She hears you. She listens to you. She speaks. She feels your touch. She goes to sleep. We are trying to replicate a personality of a person."
Who do we have to thank for all of this innovation? Osama bin Laden. The events of September 11th served as the inspiration behind the Roxxxy project.
"I had a friend who passed away in 9-11," Hines said. "I promised myself I would create a program to store my friend's personality, and that became the foundation for Roxxxy True Companion."
You might recall something similar happened in the 1985 movie "Max Headroom" in which reporter Edison Carter is nearly killed and has his personality recreated as the artificial intelligence Max Headroom. Donald Hines just takes that a step further by giving you three different ways to put your wiener into Max Headroom. Don has used all this inspiration and his AI experience to generate five different personalities for Roxxxy. That's like five Max Headrooms.
You can choose what sort of woman you want at any time, as long as the sort of woman you want is one of five stereotypes of women. When you order your Roxxxy sex robot you can log onto the True Companion website and fill out a bunch of forms to let your robot know various facts about your interests.
"She knows exactly what you like," said Hines. "If you like Porsches, she likes Porsches. If you like soccer, she likes soccer."
I know, a frigid woman with a one-dimensional personality and a love for expensive German cars and soccer living inside a robot inspired by a 9/11 victim sounds too good to be true, but it's for real! We tested out some of Roxxxy's personalities and customizations at the Adult Entertainment Expo. She didn't move or even twitch, like every robot I have ever seen, but she sure could chatter in her creepy disembodied voices while we gazed into her dead eyes.
"A-ha, that's nice!"
The singer dove off the stage and crowd surfed in a sort of reverse funeral procession where the person being carried is the only one truly alive. Touching him I felt religious ecstasy and started speaking in tongues and requesting songs that didn't exist.
There's no easy way to put this, so I'll tell it like it is. Bouillon is died. He went missing before the weekend and yesterday I found his skeletonized remains at the bottom of the #3 soup vat during one of my swims. I thought the cream of mushroom soup had an especially nourishing taste, and a lot more clumps of fur and skin than usual.
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