|Grandpa "Scruff" Johnson|
"I retain dominance over my grandchildren by repeatedly voting against local school levies. Now when anyone wants to know about integers, they come to grandpa!"
|Grandpa "Wheezy" Scandler||"Every four years, my grandchildren visit me when it's time to send out my absentee ballot. For filling in the circle of their choice, I receive a coupon that I can later exchange for one hug. I do not disapprove of this system."|
|Grandpa "Peepers" MacDougal||"Whenever I see my great-grandchildren, I make sure to tell them that there's no shame in sitting out a war to stay home and watch a bunch of movies. This is what I did, and why great men like Ronald Reagan received enough support to one day share the screen with handsome chimpanzees."|
|Grandpa "Death Wish" Burton||"The hate and regret I passed on to my children now lives on in the younger generation. Who knew that a seven year-old could attempt suicide?"|
|Grandma "Fragdoll" Lynden||"My grandchildren enjoy when I inform them of price differences between the past and the present. Why, gasoline used to cost a nickel a gallon and could be found inside of most pumpkins!"|
|Randolph "The Red-Nosed" Grandpa||"When we go to the grocery store, my grandkids love riding in the basket of my Rascal! Their little jackets are also the perfect size for those expensive bottles of cough syrup!"|
|Oldsy, the Heartwarming Christian Grandpa Puppet||"You gotta be fucking kidding me."|
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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