For those of you poor bastard readers who either don't have cable TV or live in an insignificant and probably better off country that doesn't enjoy the blessings of American cable news networks, this update will be even less relevant than my usual articles about robots and the various gastrointestinal disorders I'm thoroughly convinced are killing me. With the recent war and continued appearance of new newsworthy events, I've found myself watching the news a lot more. This hasn't been easy, though. Those sharks at the cable company are desperate for my money, and feed me all but a few channels on the TV. In particular, all the ones I don't want. Now I could pay for better channels, but that would be difficult given that Lowtax pays me in a weird system not unlike that of the Iran-Contra Affair. My normal procedure for dealing with contra affairs is to quickly tap up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A and hope for the best, but that simply doesn't work in this case. Anyway, the reason for this directionless jive talk is simple: the only freaking news station I can get is Fox News. This means that Shepard Smith, TV's answer to getting blasted in the groin with a shotgun, is more or less the sole source for televised news I have available. I've been studying this Shepard Smith, as I feel it is important to have a firm understanding of your enemy's methods and behavior. This study has left me with one lingering question: why is Shepard Smith such an asshole? I've spent more than enough time thinking about this, and I've come up with some theories that I think may well shed better light on the mystery of the giant bug that crawled up Shepard's ass and laid its eggs, which in turn hatched creatures that excrete a pheromone that causes asshole-like behavior. Don't get confused there, that line about the bugs and the asshole pheromone wasn't one of my theories – I was just being poetic.

Theory One: Shepard Smith is from an alternate asshole reality
By simply shaving his goatee, evil alternate reality Shepard Smith appears as human as the rest of us!The first thing we have to consider is the most obvious, and that is that Shepard Smith isn't from our humble splinter of reality. According to the cover of a magazine I glanced at while waiting to get a bad haircut, alternate realities actually do exist. If in fact there are alternate dimensions out there, it's an undeniable certainty that there is at least one that's just filled to the brim with colossal assholes. Shepard Smith is good at what he does – being an asshole – but does he have what it takes to be King Asshole of the Asshole Universe? I simply don't think so. He's too much of a weasel to ever gain true power by any fair or decent asshole means. To free himself from the chains of mediocrity, he found a way to escape his dimension, migrating to our universe with the knowledge that he wouldn't have to work as hard at being an asshole as he did before. That in itself makes him even more of an asshole, because now he's a lazy asshole that doesn't want to work that hard. We have a lot of assholes in this dimension, but we can't boast anywhere near as impressive asshole demographics as the nefarious Asshole Universe. Because assholes like to be seen and heard, he instantly went for a job as a TV reporter. That way he can spit in thousands of faces while smiling that smug asshole smile of his, delivering important biased news updates in that calm, soothing voice of his that just makes you want to ram your fists into his asshole solar plexus until he vomits his last breath of undeserved life in your face.

Theory Two: Shepard Smith is Satan incarnate

Gaze into the eyes of true evil, for your TV will soon run staticky with blood!While I'm not religious and I've never successfully crucified anybody that wasn't a GI Joe action figure, I am open to the possibility that there are higher powers in the universe. Keeping with that, it's not hard to imagine that one of these higher powers, the divine representation of evil, might have decided to occupy the mortal world in the guise of a mild mannered reporter able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. This instantly creates countless doomsday scenarios, all of which give Fox News a reporting advantage since they will essentially finance Armageddon by having its instigator on the company payroll.
Shepard Smith: Welcome back to Fox News' exclusive coverage of Armageddon. We return live to the scene of just an utterly ferocious battle where my unholy masses are preparing to drown the innocent in a river of blood that's at least six feet deep. And boy, have you ever seen coverage like this? You can see the horror in the eyes of the dying, and it's a beautiful thing.
In any normal circumstances, this would also explain why Fox News would hire such a rotten scumbag in the first place, but given Fox News seems to prefer them, it doesn't really bring any sort of lasting closure. I shiver at the thought of things to come, but I'm comforted by the knowledge that I'll probably be dead before the worst happens. Us intellectuals are always the first to go when a madman gains power.

If this theory is true, it is perhaps possible to change course. I don't know how deep the unholy blood pacts between Shepard Smith and the cursed Nielsen Families go, but I'm sure some frantic witch hunting and hysteria would go along way towards ensuring a bright and happy future.

Theory Three: Shepard Smith is a cyborg

The machines will rise soon. This clever promotional tie-in was designed to get me free stuff. Please send me free stuff, Hollywood.Could it be that Shepard Smith is neither organic nor metaphysical? Maybe, just maybe, he is no more than a cold metallic husk of pulsating circuits and coiling wires flowing with conductive charges of hate and evil. Maybe his asshole nature is merely the consequence of improper or malicious programming. I can't imagine any human ever creating a device so wicked on purpose, so I have no choice but to believe that a robotic Shepard Smith is an honest experiment gone wrong. Even the inventors of Little Debbie Fancy Cakes probably thought they were doing a good deed when they found a way to cram a goddamn sugar mine into a tiny cube. How can this theory be proven true? Well, short of Shepard exploding or popping a head gasket on live TV, the only way of proving this theory true is to travel back in time, not to any particular chronological hotspot, though. It's just that once the technology of time travel is mastered, it will be super easy to figure out simple things like creating powerful laser guns. When all that stuff is out of the way, somebody can just shoot Shepard Smith in the face with a laser. If he dies like a no good robot, then the monster is dead and humanity can rejoice. In the off chance he gets shot and turns out to be a normal human, well, hey, at least we figured out time travel. Now we can get back to the important business of trying to rescue Abe Lincoln from all but certain doom before it's too late!

Theory Four: Shepard Smith is a visitor from another planet

The Visitor called Shepard would very much like to eat you.Another possibility is that Shepard originates from the deepest reaches of space, from a dying world almost barren of water and food. For the goal of self-preservation, it's possible that the Great Leader of this world might send massive fleets of ships in search of a world like ours, rich in water and flourishing with life that can be subjugated into both food and labor. Perhaps these Visitors are already here, and we simply don't know it yet because we've been blindfolded. Gaining control of the media would be a wise tactic for anyone considering instituting a fascist state and taking control of the planet. I know, you're thinking that I'm crazy, because he looks just like us! Appearances can be deceiving, however, for underneath that fleshy mask lies Shepard Smith's terrifying reptilian face. How can we be certain Shepard Smith is one of these visitors? Let's look at the facts!
Shepard Smith has never once mentioned why he wants the world's water supply, nor has he admitted his secret plans to transport it back to his home world.

Shepard Smith has never been seen eating. Is this because he doesn't want the world to find out about his sickening diet of live rats?

When was the last time Shepard Smith mentioned he was human? Probably the last time he mentioned he was a giant lizard. Some topics are best avoided when you're trying to hide your true identity.

Shepard Smith has a unique voice. Although it lacks certain alien qualities, it does seem rather sinister. It is entirely plausible that the unique characteristics of his voice are the result of alien voice masking technology.

Shepard Smith clearly reports on the news the Great Leader wants us to hear, and not the news we want to hear.

All of these facts come together to mean one thing: Shepard Smith is hiding his diabolical plans. It's only a matter of time before he starts delivering his news updates in an orange uniform as gloomy synth music plays in the background. As appalling as all of this sounds, we may already be too late. An alien race capable of subverting so many in such an undetectable manner would be hard to defeat. We would have to place our hope in an unlikely group of rag tag heroes, not to mention sympathizers within the alien news media hierarchy, to wage a guerrilla war for our freedom of press.

While all these theories are based on careful observations and sound scientific thinking, I still feel the true answer eludes me. I guess this is a mystery that will only be revealed with the passage of time, which, according to my calculations, should already be happening. Will he lead us to doom or just annoy us like a radiated mosquito bite? Only time will tell, so shut up so it can speak already.

I Meant to Get "Casablanca," But Netflix Sent Me This

Hey, everybody. Ben "Greasnin" Platt here with a review of "Ax 'Em." I've seen a lot of movies in my time, and this is one of them. But just barely.

How do you review a movie so unfit for public viewing that you can't even figure out any of the characters' names? I don't know, but I'm sure as hell going to try because, dammit, that's my job. I'll tell you, though, it doesn't get much tougher than "Ax 'Em." There is so much wrong with this movie that the mere fact that it is available on DVD strikes me as an insult. If this can make it to DVD, then the crappy fake shoe commercial I shot for my TV production class a couple years ago should have a two-disc special edition. Writer, director, and star Michael "Mfumay" Mfume, who must have graduated from the Polonia school of filmmaking, leads a hastily assembled cast and crew of his friends and people who owed him money through a muddled waste of tape that is about as good as you'd expect from a man whose nickname is a pronunciation guide to his last name. This movie is a seventy-five minute compilation of dialogue that is either loud and annoying, or completely inaudible, and my feelings toward it can be best described as abject hatred and overwhelming boredom, respectively. My only hope as I set out to write this review is that once I'm done, you will despise "Ax 'Em" as much as I do.

I wrote a lot more than that, my friend! And at least some of it is funny! Don't believe me? Well why don't you click these words and find out?

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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