Welcome, chefs. You have been invited to this competition for one reason - your tremendous talent. When you simply do your job, the level of artistry on display is so impressive that our audience would like nothing more than to watch you prepare a single, thoughtful dish. For your first challenge you will be cooking a vat of sloppy joes for a buffet line of three hundred people. You must incorporate Ragu's new line of specialty sloppy joe sauces. You have thirty minutes. Good luck.
Chefs, today you must make a sandwich as a team. Each person will be responsible for placing one slice of packaged meat or cheese on the sandwich. To make matters even more interesting, you will all be blindfolded with Blackout brand blindfolds, the most trusted Blindfolds in the business - now with Mesh-Out technology that's guaranteed to block 98% of ambient light. Also, the theme of your sandwich must be inspired by Blackout blindfolds.
Greetings, chefs. Today you will climb aboard a Toyota Rav4, then drive around in a circle while complimenting the vehicle's many selling points. Inside that circle, your teammate will be cooking scallops for four hundred Toyota employees. Your dish MUST be a play on scallops, or scallops prepared two ways, or a pairing of scallops with an emulsion of some kind.
It's Halloween, so today's challenge is extra spooooky! Ha ha. Guest judge Hugh Acheson will slowly press the tip of a Top Chef brand chef knife into your abdomen. This knife from Williams-Sonoma is the perfect state of the art tool for professional chefs and home cooks alike. It makes a great Christmas gift as well! The chef who allows the knife to plunge into their guts the furthest will win ten thousand dollars furnished by Healthy Choice.
Native Americans were resourceful sons of bitches. Today, we honor their spirit. You will be cooking here in the woods with nothing but a traditional tin wash tub and a handful of sticks that could conceivably be used to create fire. In the wash tub you must prepare a perfect risotto. No one actually knows what risotto is, and none of the judges can agree on what it should be like. Is it runny? Sticky? Chewy? There is no right answer. Also, you're working in teams again.
Today your challenge is to work on a factory line. You will pull a lever to release a stream of brownie batter slurry into the compartment in a Hungry Man frozen dinner tray. Pull it too long, and there will be too much brownie substance. Let go early and there won't be enough. But wait, there's a twist! You will be working in teams of two. Both of you must hold the lever and release it at the same time. The losing team will be sent home, as you will obviously not be the best at being chefs.
Chefs, welcome to this year's Restaurant Wars! You will name a restaurant. You will design it. You will personally buy all the place settings. You will design the kitchen. You will assemble each item in the kitchen - from stove to air conditioning unit - from this pile of unlabeled parts. You have twelve hours to create the restaurant, and fifteen minutes to plan and cook your dishes. Time starts... now!
Welcome to the Top Chef finale. For the first time in the competition, you will not be working as a team, but as individuals.
Each of you has a signature dish that encapsulates your artistry, personality, and technical proficiency. This meal demonstrates your skills and shows what you are capable of as a chef. In other words, it's you on a plate.
Today we would like you to put Jonathan Davis on a plate. As the lead singer of Korn, who have just released a new album titled The Paradigm Shift, Jonathan certainly has quite a bit of personality. For this challenge you must incorporate Jonathan's favorite food without using any vegetables. It's nachos. His favorite food is nachos.
With college finals approaching, it's time once again for Microsoft Word autosummaries of all the old, boring books you were supposed to read.
"Don't you get it? What we have to understand is it's them or us. It can't be all of us, or one. It's got to be us, or they become it. Then we lose what makes us we."
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.