Dee) Dee Snider. He sits against the wall. He wants his cup, napkin, silverware, plate, food, and condiments served to the left side of him as he refuses to use his right hand for eating.
B) Dee's Mean-as-Hell Rottweiler. Also named Dee. Not restaurant-friendly, not child-friendly, not friendly. Again, do not pet. Offer and allow Dee to flog you while you pick up after his dog.
C) Perfectly Polished Mirror Facing Dee. If Dee desires to play footsie with mirror, climb under table and let him kick you until he is no longer aroused.
You're almost there. All you have to do now is make sure you give the Matron of Metal the dish he desires. When taking Dee Snider's order, do not make eye contact or even focus on his colored face. Instead focus all attention on his skull ring. After praying to Satan and/or Maybelline lip liner, he'll be ready for your attention. Finding out what Dee wants is easy if you remember a few easy rhymes: If Dee grunts, it's more he wants. If Dee's tongue touches nose, appetizer he forgoes. If Dee growls, he would prefer more time to look at your menu. Sometimes the rhymes don't work. If Dee is yelling, screaming, or a mix of both, find the outburst that best matches Dee's fit of Rock'n'Roll excitement and order accordingly.
|I Wanna Rock||A Rock|
|Alright! Yeah! Yeah!||Steak, Medium Rare|
|Yah-Yeah! Ya! Ya! Ya!||Turkey Club|
|Riiight Yeah!||Croque Madame|
|Rock Rock Rock Ya!||A Silly Giant Bow-Tie|
|Series of Fist Pumps||"I ate earlier"|
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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