25th base:

You're going to buy a CD and she's like "you don't need that, I've already got that CD" and you're like "yeah, but I want the CD too," and she gets really grumpy and it takes you a few days to figure out why (some of you probably still haven't figured this one out).

26th base:

Finally wearing down her feminine decorum enough that she laughs at "that's what she said" jokes.

27th base:

The first time she actually catches you doing the quack-quack motion. Hint: try saying it's an exercise they taught you at work to prevent repetitive motion injuries.

3rd Bass:

Popular hip hop trio known for their singles "Pop Goes the Weasel" and "The Gas Face."

28th base:

You accidentally enjoy a romantic comedy. You try to justify it because she accidentally enjoyed Die Hard, but deep in your heart you know you've turned an awful corner in your life.

29th base:

Accidentally calling her mom "sweetie."

30th base:

The grim realization that you can tell Sarah McLachlan and Natalie Merchant apart.

31st base:

She's watching some kind of show about wedding dresses on TLC and you're like, "why the hell are you watching that" and she just glares at you.

32nd base:

Visiting her family for Christmas, getting up in the middle of the night to take a leak and accidentally seeing her nude-wandering dad in the hall. Who walks around naked at night for no reason? (Answer: everyone's dad).

33rd base:

Not breaking up with her specifically because you figure you can get more free beers if you wait until she breaks up with you. Then it never happens and you kind of lose interest.

34th base:

You call her a bitch like you always do, but it comes off sounding a little more serious than you intended and suddenly all the air is sucked out of the room.

35th base:

She gives you a look when you walk past the maternity clothes store in the mall, and you're like, "I swear to god, lady, I am going to punch your lights out."

36th base:

Having a really fantastic opportunity to cheat on her but not doing it, not for fear that she'll find out and dump you but for fear that she'll find out and you'll have to have a sixteen-hour "talk" about it.

37th base:

Searching the internet for hormones that can turn you gay. Upon finding that science hasn't caught up to your needs, searching for info on how to fake your own death.

38th base:

Desperately trying to figure out why she left you; concluding that it's because she's crazy.

Disclaimer for all past and present girlfriends: The preceding was a work of fiction. Any similarity to actual people or events is entirely coincidental.

– Dr. David Thorpe (@Arr)

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