This article is part of the The Great Authors Series series.
There was an exact moment when wood was no longer needed split. When wood was acceptable in one whole hunk. In a trunk-wide ring or a whole tree trunk. The very idea of burning wood was, by then, ludicrous, because we had better things to burn like vinyl records, books, and presidents. But that time is in the distant future, or at least in a future distant to you, being in the now, such as it is, but not being at a point in the future, which you can never actually reach because you will always be now.
For our time, for now time, but not for that future, we have the WoodEze 4-ton Electric Log Splitter. Plug it into your wall outlet and use it to split logs and other things that are roughly the size of logs, such as loaves of very stale bread, stacks of Christmas cards, or unhappy marriages. It has some safety features to prevent you from splitting your hand, assuming that is fairly log shaped.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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