Greetings, and welcome to another exciting year here at PharaohTech! As a new member of our Secure Labor and Violent Enforcement (SLAVE) program, you may have a few questions, such as, "How can I make this year as productive as possible?" or "Why was my tribe beaten and dragged away in burlap sacks in the middle of the night?" Some have even been known to ask, "My baby! What have you done with my baby?!" PharaohTech is glad to say that all questions that aren't asked by you and don't provide a dangerous amount of information will be answered throughout the course of this orientation. Those of you suffering from dysentery are encouraged to keep at least a life-sustaining amount of liquid in your bodies until you are shoved to the proper work area.
Welcome to your new life! You'll find escape is impossible!Mission Statement
Here at PharaohTech, we make it our goal to provide great leaders of our society with suitable burial plots in the form of opulent death chambers, hundreds of feet tall, and thousands of feet deep. How are we able to build such architectural marvels at absolutely no cost to the consumer? Using a bold new management technique pioneered by PharaohTech known as "Forcing," you'll soon find that anything is possible! You may also find that, even with broken legs, an ordinary SLAVE can do as much work as three camels in a single day; all it takes is a little gumption, and the ability to ignore the anguished wails of your fellow man! It's all thanks to Forcing: If You Don't Want To Do It, We'll Make You!™ That's the PharaohTech difference.
Tools of the Trade
All members of our SLAVE program will be given the following supplies:
Loincloth = 1
Please try to keep your loincloth as clean as possible during the entirety of your 60 year work period. After all, you know what they say: a dirty loincloth incurs the wrath of Ra, who will make your blood boil and turn your appendages into poisonous serpents, which will murder your family members before devouring your immortal soul! We don't want this to happen to you, not when there's work to be done. That's the PharaohTech difference.
Corporate housing will be provided for all members of our SLAVE program. All SLAVEs will receive 1 (one) PharaohTech GroundPatch, a six by two feet tract of dirt which can be used for the following purposes:
Sleeping (during designated 20 minute daily sleep periods)
Working outside of the GroundPatch
We give our SLAVEs options. That's the PharaohTech difference.
Your supervisors, Ancient Jesse Jackson and Delta Burke of Greater Egypt.Takin' Care of Business!
As a member of our SLAVE program, you may wonder, "What's the right job for me?" This can be answered in two parts:
Wondering is prohibited within PharaohTech
All choices regarding your life will be made by PharaohTech, and its parent company, Sun God Enterprises
To select the position best for you, our crack research team of scientists and camel surgeons have come up with a mathematical choosing system known as the Savage Beating Room. Once led into the Savage Beating Room, you will be served tea and allowed to converse with your fellow SLAVEs about Pharaoh-approved topics as you sit on leather couches. You will then be led into the Conversation Parlor, where your personalized savage beating will commence. We at PharaohTech apologize for any confusion, as the rooms in our Savage Beating Center were named before we knew what to do with them. That's not the PharaohTech difference.
Based on how long your savage beating lasts before you A) submit or B) die, one of three jobs will be selected for you. It's important that you remember which job is yours; you'll be unable to escape it for the rest of your life!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.