Mayor Wilkins here with another magical Comedy Goldmine. I know that most of you have worked in some sort of customer service at some point in your lives, probably retail. I bet a lot of you still deal with customers on a daily basis. They say some incredibly weird shit to you sometimes, don't they? While talking to a customer, have you ever found yourself totally speechless, and then when you find words you have to stop yourself from muttering "what the fuck?"
Well, you're not alone. Lots of forum members have worked retail, too. Or they've worked in call centers, which is actually even worse than retail in some ways, with the small added bonus of the customer not being able to actually punch you in the face when you say something smart to them. Then again, they could always find out where you work, and then you could find yourself faced with an extremely moody customer waiting for you outside at midnight with a baseball bat in each hand. So either way, basically, you're kind of fucked.
Forums member MatPec started a thread about crazy things that customers have said, and a whole lot of people jumped in to tell their stories. Here are some of them, but nowhere near all of them, because the thread turned into a forty-eight page behemoth and there's just no way I could fit all of that here. I should call this week "part one," and continue it another week, but I'd probably get distracted and totally forget about it until next summer. So read this and enjoy it and forget that I ever mentioned the nonexistant "part two!"
ok, about 30 seconds ago I got off the phone with a mexican I had to call to inform him that because he had not given his social security number we would not be able to provide his mobile phone service he had ordered. this is how it went (translated to english):
Me - "we were unable to process your order due to your social security number or drivers license number not having been entered, if I can get one of these from you I'll be able to provide you with the service you ordered"
Mexican - "oh well... the thing is that I don't have either of those" (this is the case with most of these calls)
Me - "that's understandable sir, you'll just need to call qwest directly and make special arrangements with them for your situation"
Mexican - "well, can I give you my fake social security number?"
Me - "uh, no."
Mexican - "ok I guess I'll have to call then"
I was dumbfounded that someone would so readily admit their illegality, maybe it was because I speak fluent spanish and he felt comfortable with me, but damn no one should get that confortable. What have you other retail/food/telemarketing/having-to-deal-with-a-customer employees heard one of your wonderful customers say?
To add my own story, I am a Military Personnel Clerk. I work in an office that handles pay, record, and transfer/gain/discharge related shit.
Customer: I'd Like to see my record please.
Me: Certainly, here it is, anything I can help you to find?
Customer: No, I'm good.
I leave him to it, and proceed about my business. A few minutes pass, and he calls me back over.
Customer: Where are my awards listed?
Me: Oh, those are on your Page 4, *flipping through*, right there.
Customer: I'm missing a whole page of awards! I need the points for my Advancement Exam!
Me: Oh right, yeah, I verified your record when we were calculating points for everyone, that page with a ton of awards on it wasn't yours. It looks like someone "accidentaly" placed it in your record about four years ago. It's strange because there were several Achievement medals on there, but there was no name or social security number listed on the page.
Customer: Well, whoever typed it in forgot to add my name! They're my awards man, you're killing me!!!
Me: Oh yeah, the awards were also dated on the page. Looks like you were given THREE NAVY ACHIEVEMENT MEDALS before you were actually in the Navy. Isn't that strange?
Customer: ... Fuck this man, fuck you guys. *Storms out of the office*
Me: Have a nice day!
People are always trying to pull the wool over our eyes with fraudulent record entries. We actually kick some people out of the Navy for falsifying government records, but I usually just remove the bullshit and smile at them.
I get that kind of stuff all the time working as a stockboy at a store. And even though there was a similar thread a while ago, I didn't participate. So the usual stuff comes from old people and it would go something like that.
customer: Where are the pickles?
me: aisle 9
customer: What aisle is this?
me: aisle 8
customer: So which way is aisle 9?
me: WELL I DON'T KNOW, BUT IF YOU GO ONE DIRECTION FROM THIS AISLE AND YOU SEE AISLE 7, YOU MUST'VE LIKELY WENT THE WRONG WAY!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.