When you are about to drink a burning shot or two of Scotch Whisky (or "whiskey" if you're a lowborn beast), it's always best to pick the right distiller. Failing that, because they're all horrible, you might be able to pick the least terrible variety that true connoisseurs force themselves to pretend to enjoy.


Taste of gasoline filtered through an old diabetic's sock. Crisp notes of paint thinner and an astringent burn on the back end redolent of several dangerous things under the sink.



Single cask, no chill filtration, robust bleach flavor. Notes of unscented detergent and an oaky formaldehyde finish.



Strong swallow resembles throat full of open herpes sores. Burns the gums and even the teeth. Hot coal sensations with a chemical tinge. A chugging, bunker scouring, Flammenwerfer finish.



All of the appeal of lamp oil and cloves. A connoisseur's Scotch. The amateur would be better off drinking a wino's blood.


More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • GLUT OF DOGS

    GLUT OF DOGS

    TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851

  • THE PERFECT HUMAN FORM

    THE PERFECT HUMAN FORM

    Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.

Copyright ©2016 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.