If dolphins are so smart, why have I eaten so many of them?
They say cockroaches will be the only creatures to survive a nuclear war. I say we need bigger bombs.
The moose is nature's Canadian.
Nobody would pay any attention to a big ugly overgrown amoeba, so the jellyfish was like, "hey, I know, let's hurt people for no reason."
Can you think of anything useful a goat does that some other animal doesn't do better, and with a lot less attitude?
Next time you're marveling at the majesty of a peacock in bloom, just remind yourself that it basically has a huge boner right now.
Sea anemones are like worst-case scenarios of what alien genitals might look like.
Ask someone what worms are good for, and I bet you ten bucks they'll come up with some half-baked crap about plants and the ecosystem.
Did you know that the ladybug is neither a lady nor a bug?Or, shit, I don't know, maybe it's a bug.
Somebody get that chicken a fucking sandwich.
Special thanks to Zack Parsons for contributing a few animal insults after I ran out of ideas!
The human anatomy is home to more than three hundred organs. Doctors and chocolatiers agree that the vast majority of these revolting lumps of tissue serve little to no function. If you find yourself standing in a long line or stuck at the airport waiting for a delayed flight, consider taking a few minutes to remove the following from your person.
Do you have what it takes to make it on the ballot?
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