If dolphins are so smart, why have I eaten so many of them?

 

They say cockroaches will be the only creatures to survive a nuclear war. I say we need bigger bombs.

 

The moose is nature's Canadian.

 

Nobody would pay any attention to a big ugly overgrown amoeba, so the jellyfish was like, "hey, I know, let's hurt people for no reason."

 

Can you think of anything useful a goat does that some other animal doesn't do better, and with a lot less attitude?

 

Next time you're marveling at the majesty of a peacock in bloom, just remind yourself that it basically has a huge boner right now.

 

Sea anemones are like worst-case scenarios of what alien genitals might look like.

 

Ask someone what worms are good for, and I bet you ten bucks they'll come up with some half-baked crap about plants and the ecosystem.

 

Did you know that the ladybug is neither a lady nor a bug?Or, shit, I don't know, maybe it's a bug.

 

Somebody get that chicken a fucking sandwich.

Special thanks to Zack Parsons for contributing a few animal insults after I ran out of ideas!

– Dr. David Thorpe (@Arr)

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