Working for Something Awful is a lot of fun, but it isn't a perfect job. Like all good jobs it has plenty of perks, but it also has evil perks not unlike Evil Spock. The nefarious goateed perks I refer to are the endless number of shitty submissions from people who've never heard of Photoshop much less know how to use it. Don't ask me how they make images with the program, because I've yet to crack that caper. I can only assume it has something to do with God hating me. I can't seem to make these people stop making shitty images, but I can fight back the only way I know how: throwing random insults while protected by the impenetrable wall of anonymity and security we call the Internet. As a special bonus, I'm even more bitter than last week!
Piece of Crap #1
Author: Das Brose
Why It Stinks: I don't know what the fuck this is supposed to be a reference to, but whatever it is it deeply offends me. Not because of the infidel humor, but because I'm goddamn sick and tired of seeing ugly red text and some generic Times New Roman or Courier font slapped into a picture with a pointless drop shadow thrown in. The only redeeming quality is that the text isn't inner beveled. I don't know why, but people really need to learn that not only can you download fonts that don't come with Windows for free, you can also use colors other than bright red. I'm not endorsing downloading every zany font you can find, so don't get me wrong there. The last thing I want is some punk slapping some wretched Star Trek font into a random picture and then sending it to me. And hey, just because the whole drop shadow and inner bevel options are there doesn't mean you have to use them. Other than that, this image is still headed nowhere.
How Badly I Want Das Brose To Die: A wee little bit, and if possible, I'd like him to be eaten by a minotaur.
Crapometer Score: -3/-10 (Stupid and Ugly)
Piece of Crap #2
Why It Stinks: There was a time when I thought Photoshoping George Bush into pictures for no reason was funny, but much like my wild and carefree muscle beach days, that time is long in the past. What is even the point of this image? First, we have a famous movie scene where a girl rotates her head around like a turret that shoots creepiness out of twin eye cannons. That's pretty paranormal. Then we have George Bush's head crudely inserted for no reason. Is this political humor? Is this even humor? I don't have a clue, and I'm not even going to bother writing anymore because th
How Badly I Want Iceberg-Slim To Die: A whole bunch. I'd like his head to be rotated 180 degrees by a large grizzly bear on PCP.
Crapometer Score: -6/-10 (Extra Stupid and Ugly)
Piece of Crap #3
Why It Stinks: In case your eyes don't work, you may notice more generic red text with a drop shadow, only this time it's Comic Sans. I know my bitching about fonts is akin to watching two gay men argue about the sassiness of a particular pair of pants, but I can't help it. The only time it's appropriate to use Comic Sans is if you're a mentally handicapped web comic author writing hilarious slice of life stories about how hard school is and how important it is to have a stable of reliable and quirky friends to populate your life with witty anecdotes and down home advice packed between recycled catchphrases. And the only time it is appropriate to be a mentally handicapped web comic author is when you're dead. Getting back on course, the wonderful cut and paste job here is just inspiring. Not only is the pasted head way to fucking big, Potus didn't even bother to try any color matching. Great job, jerkpants.
How Badly I Want Potus To Die: Even more than I like winning millions in the lottery. I want a grand piano to fall on him, twice.
Crapometer Score: -8/-10 (Dumb Joke, Terrible Cut and Pasting)
Piece of Crap #4
Why It Stinks: Sweet Jesus on a hoverbike, this is just plain stupid. So the Columbia blew up because bin Laden's giant disembodied ghost head hit it with a good old optic blast during takeoff? ARGHHHHH.
How Badly I Want RENN-Tek To Die: A lot. I'd like someone from his future bloodline to travel back in time and murder him, his chubby friend from elementary school, and his favorite pet. Then, thanks to the grandfather clause, his time traveling offspring would cease to exist. Oh fuck, that doesn't work. I'll settle on him being murdered by a mob of feral Canadian geese.
Crapometer Score: -8/-10 (Just Stupid.)
Piece of Crap #5
Why It Stinks: Terrible cut and paste job. It's one of the easiest things to learn how to do, yet people still can't do it right. It's obviously a furry creature, so why the hell would you use harsh, rigid selections to copy it? You need to spend a lot of time making gentle, wavy selections to simulate the massive amount of hair, or else add those in afterwords. The shading and levels are fairly close, but still off. If zandbert33 would have spent more than ten seconds cutting Sasquatch out before pasting him, things would have been a lot better. Hell, if he even tried to work him into the picture things would have been a lot better. I'm not sure why Hitler is saluting Sasquatch, but whatever.
How Badly I Want zandert33 To Die: I don't want him killed, instead I want one of his hands to be replaced with a glue stick and the other replaced with an exacto knife. Then he will know what kinds of sacrifices go into proper cutting and pasting.
Crapometer Score: -4/-10 (Zero Effort Equals Zero Fun)
Piece of Crap #6
Why It Stinks: JUST LOOK AT THIS PIECE OF SHIT. I'm sure this was some deliberate attempt at awfulness, because no self respecting human being would willfully post this on the Internet. If this was intentional, you can bet GabrielVilleda has a bright future of being my worst enemy. HERE IS A HELPFUL BIT OF ADVICE TO EVERY LIVING CREATURE OR MUTANT THINKING OF POSTING IMAGES ON THE INTERNET: IF YOU KNOW IT SUCKS, DON'T POST IT. I don't care if you spent "too much time" (five minutes) making it. If it sucks, scrap it. At best you saved people the embarrassment of having to share the Internet with you, at worst you learned what not to do. It's a good deal if you ask me, and I know all about good deals.
How Badly I Want GabrielVilleda To Die: A kiloton. GabrielVilleda must be nuked from orbit for the safety and protection of all mankind.
Crapometer Score: -1000/-10 (RAPE)
GOOD GRIEF, that's some crap. Honorable mentions to every wizard who decided it was funny to stick semitransparent people into random pictures in hopes of a ghostly chuckle. Bonus points for the five thousand who tried and failed to make fun of the recent Columbia tragedy. In almost every case, it involved Gremlins. Once was more than enough. I'm glad that's over. Next week should most definitely be a super duper step in the right direction.
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