1. Kennel Fair Dog Pageant's Best Dog of All Time Award

    Kennel Fair Dog Pageant's Best Dog of All Time Award

    As you are well aware, your dog Hairbank is a hideous, ungodly thing. He is a beast of unbridled malevolence and the monster that stares back from the abyss. Everything about his appearance and behavior stands in perverted defiance to the noble standards Kennel Fair seeks to uphold and champion.

  2. Kennel Fair Dog Pageant: Rejection Letters

    Kennel Fair Dog Pageant: Rejection Letters

    It is with a heavy heart that I deliver this most unpleasant news. Garmonbozia, your beloved Bluetick Coonhound, will not be advancing to the next round in our Kennel Fair Dog Pageant. While the dog excelled in virtually every category, we were uncomfortable with one extremely unsettling physical characteristic: his complete set of human teeth.

  3. Kennel Fair Dog Pageant: More Rejection Letters

    Kennel Fair Dog Pageant: More Rejection Letters

    I am sad to inform you that your canine, Apache, is disqualified from competing in the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant on the grounds that it is deceased. While the quality of the taxidermy you purchased for your beloved friend is truly remarkable, our pageant is intended to celebrate truly remarkable living dogs.

  4. Kennel Fair Dog Pageant: Yet More Rejection Letters

    Kennel Fair Dog Pageant: Yet More Rejection Letters

    Normally I would take a moment to assure you that you and your dog are winners just for participating, but in this case I cannot. I am confident that you did not prepare for this tournament in the slightest. For one thing, you did not even know the name of your own dog.

  5. Kennel Fair Dog Show: The Rejections Continue

    Kennel Fair Dog Show: The Rejections Continue

    As you know, the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant prides itself on hosting the absolute cream of the canine crop. We endeavor to celebrate the canine form at its best, and reward only those rare specimens that exemplify what it means to be "top dog."

  6. Kennel Fair Dog Show: A Sea of Rejection

    Kennel Fair Dog Show: A Sea of Rejection

    While we take you for your word that Ómögulegt is indeed a dog, we were unable to identify any doglike characteristics. From his challenging, kaleidoscopic anatomy to his bewildering habit of repeating everything we said in the voice of God, he was nothing like any dog we have ever encountered.

  7. Kennel Fair Dog Pageant: Disqualified Dogs

    Kennel Fair Dog Pageant: Disqualified Dogs

    While there is nothing in the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant Rules & Guidelines prohibiting the act of bejeweling a canine, common sense and basic human decency definitely forbids it.

  8. Kennel Fair Dog Pageant: Acceptance Letter

    Kennel Fair Dog Pageant: Acceptance Letter

    Delivering bad news is a difficult but necessary part of my job. For every one exceptional dog present at our Kennel Fair Dog Pageants, we easily see one hundred dogs unworthy of advancing to the semifinals. Indeed, many of these dogs are not even worthy to continue living.

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