This article is part of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant series.
Dear Mr. Mathers,
Let me start this correspondence by saying the hardest part of my job is informing a dog owner that his or her special friend has not been selected to participate in the semifinals. In most cases this is not because of any failure on the part of the owner or the dog, but rather that one or more of the other dogs in the pageant exhibited the rare trait of "exceptionalism."
In the case of you and your dog, Green Sleeves, the failure can only be blamed on chemical intoxication. Your dog reeked of whisky and could barely stand up. He twice vomited on Judge Elizabeth Beemarsh's shoes, attempted to mount her leg and spent the better part of the show dragging his rump along the ground, much to the ire of judges and spectators alike. The fact he reveled in this behavior only made matters worse. Your dog may excel in showmanship, but it is the kind of crude showmanship favored by radio shock jocks. There is no place in our classical celebration of the canine form for such rubbish.
In short, he was a boor!
If Green Sleeves were to clean up his act and stop drinking, he might make for a quality dog. The narrative of that transformation would do wonders for his career, if not give him a new "leash on life," if you'll pardon my pun.
It is now my sad duty to scold you, Mr. Mathers. That you allow Green Sleeves to consume alcohol as readily as he does is unconscionable. I know you probably despise his drinking as much as I do, but you do nothing to stop it. You are an enabler, sir. I understand that you may have developed a codependent relationship with Green Sleeves, and may find it entirely too easy to look past his bad qualities in exchange for the companionship he provides. I heartily recommend couples counseling for the both of you.
Wishing you and Green Sleeves many happy days,
Richard W. Beauregard
Dear Dr. Heiter,
Your horrific "Three-Hound" abomination will not be attending the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant semifinals. Any of the three hounds you grafted together in the name of scientific perversion would have been fine contenders on their own, but combined they form nothing less than an atrocity. You have defiled veterinary science with your vulgar deeds and forever tainted the good name of our dog pageant.
You are hereby banned for life from all Kennel Fair events. Should you feel the need to conduct any further grotesque experiments, please leave dogs alone.
Richard W. Beauregard
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
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Kennel Fair is one of the premier organizations celebrating the majesty of the canine form. Through its numerous publications and ongoing Dog Pageants--hosted throughout the United States-- Kennel Fair sets the standards all dogs and their owners strive to meet.