rip everyone who died today— egg dog (@egg_dog) July 30, 2013
Errbody in da club tryna get my shoe out dis toilet.— Miss Andry (@PissAndry) July 29, 2013
Remember when the 1st NY Times paywall was just for the opinion section & it failed because people actually preferred being unable to see it— GENERAL GANDHI (@Bro_Pair) July 29, 2013
Nope. Staying in a bubble bath for a very long time doesn't turn u into a superhero w/ bubble powers it just make u look like a napkin— NyQuil Made It (@HotSugar) July 29, 2013
COMEDY TIP: Some basic comedy principles include the rule of three, deliberate misdirection, and boners.— dan guterman (@danguterman) July 28, 2013
I'm kind of sad that I'll never recapture the moment of incandescent fury I felt, the day I found out about steampunk-themed sex toys— some of my blurst (@someofmybest) July 27, 2013
a drunk bride-to-be just peed on the street outside my apartment and made all my dreams come true— cass (@casskeeley) July 27, 2013
if a midget is little why he got hair ?— Kwest MC (@IngloriousKwest) July 27, 2013
sorry lady, what i had assumed to be my male clitoris is just a mondo hemorrhoid. i am super horny now from your actions though— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) July 27, 2013
Missed connections: you were at the weird al show. I was the guy who leaned over to say "no wonder they call him weird al" after every song— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) July 27, 2013
being a writer is a great job if you love looking at a blinking cursor and wishing you were dead.— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) July 26, 2013
how to make a Banh mi vietnamese sandwich. 1. go to subway and get the subway club 2. go home and put thin carrots instead of the toppings— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) July 26, 2013
if you are a fan of my acct it is because you like to watch a hormel chili sucking son of a bitch blunder through the universe— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) July 26, 2013
Nothing makes me more aware of death's cold pursuit than a bar singing no diggity— Sam Biddle (@samfbiddle) July 26, 2013
"world's greatest dad"? *knocks mug out of my son's hands, shattering it* more like world's shittiest mug. bring me the mug with tits on it— stefan (@boring_as_heck) July 26, 2013
guy I went to high school with posted a big truck on facebook with the caption "girl, if u got hips like these, give me a call"— GARBAGE (@PierreMenard) July 26, 2013
Honey The Kids Are Crying I'm Going To Drink Beer In My Shed— jon sender (@senderblock23) July 25, 2013
I sprayed Axe on a roach now it's just bitching about its DWIs— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 25, 2013
one small step for man one giant step for a really small man— Acid Dad (@awesomeacid) July 25, 2013
Funny how my mom wouldn't let me go anywhere near a blowgun when I was a kid and now I'm like THE blowgun guy on YouTube— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) July 23, 2013
you should check out this kids show. it actually has some references for adults. because it wasn't written by kids, as i initially thought— NEON WARIO (@neonwario) July 18, 2013
my room is set up so when you open my door theres a fake ass pumping away and a robot says IM HAVIN SEX when i sneak out to play video games— rad milk (@rad_milk) July 17, 2013
Batman in your stupid car you look like a turd with abs inside a roach with abs— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) July 17, 2013
*tumblr teen voice* this black, albino, plus-sized model is so beautiful. shes so.. different. so exotic. im so openminded. this is about me— brian touch-a-butt (@charMANdork) July 17, 2013
had a nightmare where I left an awkward voicemail and then a curtain came up and a thousand people watched and then they start booing— Lord BEEF (@lordbeef) July 17, 2013
"Officer, it was 1977 when Fleetwood Mac said You Could Go Your Own Way." -How I successfully argued out of a ticket this afternoon.— Brock Wilbur (@brockwilbur) July 17, 2013
I'm sorry I will not be able to attend work today. I am extremely nauseous because I just met a grown man named Colton.— Princess Anús (@Slashleen) July 16, 2013
*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) July 26, 2013
Who ate all the “ Temptation Select's™ ”. I Wanted Too Eat All The “Temptation Select's™ ”— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) July 9, 2013
Perfect Eggs Every Time: Hold an egg in your cupped hands. Put your hands over a fire, squeezing them together gently to crack the egg open. Try not to let any egg liquid or egg shell fall out between your fingers.
Absolve me of my past fines, so that I may checkout again.
You cant go around life being smart in an unconventional way, it could change the world.
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