Peyton Manning throws footballs. He makes $14 million a year for doing so, plus millions more in endorsements, and $20,000 here and there for birthday party appearances. He clearly has the expendable income to hire someone to design and maintain his Web site, and he wouldn't appear to have much free time to devote to those tasks. But perhaps he wants people to know he cares enough to do things himself, or maybe the control-freak tendencies that help make him an excellent quarterback extend even to aspects of his life where he'd be better off delegating to someone qualified. Whatever the reason, Peyton Manning boasts the ugliest personal page in professional sports.
Manning devotes most of the page to his charitable endeavors, which is warm and nice, and his corporate partners, which is cold and pragmatic. In addition to all the logos associated with these entities, the site's front page communicates most of its information using plain white text that doesn't change color when moused over or give any other indication that it leads somewhere -- namely, to poorly formatted cut-and-pastes from newspapers and ESPN. Random navigation uncovers gems such as family photos from the "grownin' up" years and "new wallpaper and screensavers for 2007." Manning's detractors haven't had much to criticize about his on-field performance lately, but this terrible site offers them the cathartic opportunity to resume using his name and "sucks" in the same sentence.
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Guess what's back? Frosty tundras! And me.
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