This happened years ago, but I still remember it like it was yesterday.

Me: "I need your social security number?"
Customer: "I want yours too."
Me: "I don't give you that, but you need to give yours, so we can get on with your case."
Customer: "Why do I need to give it?"
Me: "So I can identify you."
Customer: "I want to I identify you TOO!"

I was stocking items right by the end of Aisle 7 at Jewel (Illinois place for Albertsons / Acme.)

Some stupid woman: "Where's your Velveeta cheese?"
Me: "Aisle 8"
Woman: "what"
Me: "Aisle 8, front portion, left side. Your going to see it." *Points right at it.*
Woman: "Thanks, you guys need to turn this racket down, I hate shopping here."
Me: "What racket, we have music on really softly."
Woman: "No, your heating and cooling system is really loud and offensive."
Me: "Aisle 20."

I was loitering around a trade counter in a plumbers merchants when some ruddy faced, hairy oaf stormed in and slammed his fist on the counter and shouted for some assistance.

Shopguy: "Hello. How can I help you"

The oaf swings this heavy plastic box onto the counter, flips the lid and reveals some sort of electrical tool (I didn't see what it was)

Shopguy: "Ok, what seems to be the problem"
Oaf: "This fucking fucker's fucked"
Shopguy: "Fucked?"
Oaf: "Fucking fucked"
Shopguy: "Ok, one minute"

Shopguy takes the box away and returns with a brand new unit and puts it in front of the guy.

Shopguy: "There you go"
Oaf: "Not fucked?"
Shopguy: "Not fucked"
Oaf: "Fucking great"

And he walked off. Shopguy does a massive rolleyes and puts fixed smile on for the next customer. Bizarre.

Current Paralegal job:

(phone call)
client: "I'm sorry, but can I change my appointment?"
me: "not a problem is tuesday okay for you?"
Cleint: "Sure! Anyway, I'm just feeling awful! Sorry I have to postpone!"
me: "uh-huh"
Client: "I have horrible diarrhea and just can't make it in."
me: "...see you tuesday"

I'd also like to add a phone call I got when I worked at an artstore in highschool:

Me:"Hull's Art Supplies and Framing, how may I help you?"
Weirdo: "Hi"
Me:"hi, what can I help you with?"
Weirdo: "do you all have art supplies?"
Me:"... Hull's Art Supplies and Framing, how can I help you?"

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