<font="dripping blood">Hello, boys and GHOULS. We all know about regular hell, but - hang on, my dripping blood font isn't rendering correctly. Fuck! Shit! This intro isn't going to be scary at all! Just read the damn article. It is possible you will find it... SPOOK-TACULAR? [spectacular]
The story I am about to tell you is true. It's a true story, and it really happened. My name is not important. My name is Shit Blunderboard, and I'm an ordinary teenage boy, just like you. Two weeks ago, I was having an argument with my mom about going to church. I told her I was an atheist and I read about it online. I told her I didn't want to go to church any more.
"I don't want to go to church anymore," I exclaimed to her.
"You have to go to church, because of otherwise, God will send you to Hell," she advised. I didn't believe her, because I was an atheist now. I stayed home and played atheist video games, such as Minecraft, instead. That night, I went to sleep, which I normally do at night.
"Good night," Mom (Donna) intoned to me. "Don't let the bedbugs bite even though I love you less than your Christian sister now."
Her words stung me, because I didn't like my sister very much, but I liked my mom a lot, even though we had disagreements. I went to sleep that night, as normal. That night, when I went to sleep, I had a dream. I thought it was a dream, but it was actually real. In the dream, I woke up in Hell, instead of my normal bed. But it was worse than I thought. It was scary.
"Welcome to Hell," Satan cried menacingly. He wasn't normal Satan. He was a skeleton Satan, and he had pitchforks instead of normal horns.
"Am I in Hell?" I inquired questioningly. I had always been very curious, which is why I was atheist now.
"Yes," shrieked the skeleton Satan, using heavy metal music instead of normal words. "You are in Hell. Scary Hell, that is!" Satan cackled with laughter, and it sounded like nails on a chalkboard made out of the chalk police use to draw the outlines around dead bodies. I screamed and looked around, sitting up in my bed, which was in Hell now. The sights that I saw shocked me to my eyes.
Instead of normal flames, like what Hell is supposed to have, all the flames were made out of blood. I stood up and looked at the blood flames up close, and I realized that instead of blood cells, the blood was made of tiny demons. The demons had skulls instead of eyes, and they were talking about how God wasn't real. This scared me, because I hadn't gone to church, so I didn't know if they were telling the truth.
"I'm going to torture you now," Satan menaced. I hoped he didn't. But I was wrong. Instead of torturing me normal ways, he made me swim in a pool of skulls. The skulls' teeth scratched me.
"Ouch!" I explained with agony from the skulls in my voice. "I'm so sorry I didn't go to church!" I was sorry I hadn't gone to church.
"You can't go now," Satan informed me. "You're in Hell now." I looked around. Satan was right. This was definitely hell, except instead of normal pitchforks, the demons were holding jack o'lanterns. I screamed when I realized what had happened.
"I'm sorry!" I begged. "I want to go to church instead of Hell!" Just then, Satan picked up the phone.
"Hello, this is Satan," he answered menacingly. "Oh, is this God? Hello, God. Yes, Shit Blunderboard is here, just like you said. What's that? He wants to go church now so I should send him home? Okay." Satan hung up the phone, which was shaped like a coffin with a skull on it, and dripped blood when he folded it shut. I wondered who he was talking to.
"You have to go home now," Satan mumbled threateningly.
"Okay," I responded with relief. I got back into my bed and fell asleep. When I woke up, I couldn't believe it. Was it a dream? I didn't want to open my eyes, but then I did. What I saw next made me feel relieved.
Instead of being in hell, I was inside of my bedroom. I looked around and it looked normal. Just then, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to church. I said yes.
I still don't know if I believe in God, but I do know that Hell is real. And if there's one thing I know, it's that I believe in God. Please pass on my terrible warning, or else you could end up in Hell also, like I did. Goodbye.
I always thought I was a tough guy who could deal with Hell. I like being poked by pitchforks. I like swimming in lakes of fire and rolling boulders up hills. I'm basically like those guys from Jackass, but when they get hit in the nuts, they wince, but when I get hit in the nuts, I laugh.
I went to church, but when the pastor would talk about Hell, I would be like, big deal, so I did all the bad stuff, like stealing and murdering. It was good for a while, but then one day I got this invite to follow an Instagram called Scary Hell. I didn't have anything better to do so I gave it a look.
It was full of pictures of me in Hell, but not the Hell they'd told me about: this was Scary Hell. Instead of Satan, it was Slenderman, and he was surrounded by the Berenstein Bears. I was there on the ground, naked, and they were all looking really evil and the caption said "We're telling you about Roko's Basilisk."
Another one was a picture of me wearing a Russian suit, and the caption said #sleepexperiment. That's when I knew that I didn't want to go to Scary Hell, I just wanted to go to regular Hell.
I talked to my pastor and asked him why he never talked about Scary Hell. He said he tried one time years ago but it made this guy go crazy and he tried to strangle the choir director and when they stopped him he gave out this terrible scream and his heart exploded and the blood shot out of his mouth fifteen feet into the air and everyone that got touched by it died within the next two weeks with creepy smiles on their faces, so church board made a rule he could only talk about the normal Hell. "But," he said, "what they don't know... is that the normal Hell doesn't exist. Muhaha!" Then I realized, my pastor was Slenderman.
I ran away from the church screaming that I'll be good from now on. A police man saw me and asked me what the problem was. I told him about the church, but when we went there, it was just and empty lot. "Why did you take me to this empty lot?" He asked and I decided right then to confess all my crimes. "Good job," the police man said, "I'm not going to take you to jail because I'm really Jesus and you sincerely confessed. But now that you know about Scary Hell, make sure to tell everybody." And to this day, that's what I do.
"Heck yes, Brendify, we can have pre-marital sex!" said Johmbel in a horny way. "The Bible was actually written by Greeks."
"That makes sense," said Brendify, becoming naked at that point. Just then, Scary Satan appeared in the room. Instead of a cloud of smoke, he showed up in a cloud of bees, and the bees had spiders for wings. Scary Satan looked like two Freddy Kreugers.
"Uh-oh," said Johmbel and Brendify together, nakedly.
Scary Hell support group meeting:
"Hello, my name is Gerderfbo Bershyzaskwitz and I looked upon a woman with lust in my heart while I was at a family reunion. Now I know I should've known better, but when it occurred to me we was all there on account of my great granny who was standin' there all by her lonesome right in front of me, I also realized just how virile she was, it's not my fault that's when the Good Lord took it upon his self to take me away just then with a bolt of lightning!"
There was no one there to welcome him to the meeting, there was no support group- this was Scary Hell, and the only thing that was truly happening was our dear friend Gerderfbo was standing before a mile high blackboard, a mathematical problem was written on the board that was harder than the erection he had, and now, in the 3rd grade classroom he remembered all too well was Sally Summers- his childhood crush, wearing a look of horror and amusement on her face so profound he could only be in... Scary Hell
From The Scary Inferno, Canto I
by Dante Aligsgheri
In the middle of the journey of our life
I found myself astray in a scary wood
Not a regular wood, a scary one,
How hard it is to say what it was like
In a wood so scary; the trees had all those weird little holes in them
the very thought of it renews my panic.
It is scary, almost as fear itself is scary.
But to make you shit yourself with justified fear,
I will speak about the other things I saw there.
How I got into it I cannot clearly say
for I was moving like a cool normal guy
the moment I stepped out of the non-scary way,
But when I came to the bottom of a terrifying earth mound,
Called a "hill," which was far bigger than me, which is scary,
And had rats on it, probably, but I wasn't going to check
I looked up, and saw it was covered in red spooky light
Like when you see an exit sign at night
Inside the basement of a church and think it's not Satan
(but it is) and you take the long way home
and when you get there, the freezer's empty
Because mom "forgot" to buy ice pops
But you know it's because she doesn't think they're healthy
Then I sensed a creepy influence needling me
Injecting something bad, maybe Ebola? into my soul.
Scramuel had been out committing sins all day, and he was very thirsty, because it was in the summer and it's important to stay hydrated. He went to the refrigerator and opened it. Instead of normal lemonade inside, it was Scary Satan. Scary Satan cackled like a witch made out of blood orphans.
"This is because sin," stated Satan.
"Okay," said the terrified and frightened Scramuel. He closed the fridge. That's when he saw it, a thing that terrified and frightened him. On the fridge was a post-it note. The note said "You're in Hell now" and then Scramuel looked around and the kitchen sink was on fire.
I used to go to shop at Costco daily for great goods at lower prices. It is also where I ate lunch because I could get an even better deal eating all the free samples than going to buy food at an inferior place of commerce. People called me smart and efficient for this and I was very popular with lots of friends. I remember that one day, shopping cart loaded with Kreuig Cup boxes, where I had the idea to get a free sample from the same stand TWICE. My favorite stand was the cheese cube one, which was at the back end of the building. Since I am very smart, I sampled some cheese then walked counter-clockwise around the whole store back to the stand because I am genius. The kind sample lady who was smiling did not recognize me, so I took this chance and get more cheese.
When I look down at my succulent prize, I no longer see cheese, but grub on a toothpick made of Australian Red Cedar which is poisonous wood. The polite sample lady is no longer the sample lady, but Scary Satan. Instead of wearing an apron he was wearing a non-Costco brand apron with realistic blood on it. The microwave at the stand was too non-Costco brand and had the timer set to 83 minutes and 11 seconds. The nearby ball cage had all the balls replaced with multicolored rubber skulls that shouted "SCARY HELL" every time they bounced. My Costco membership card was now blood red and had the word "DINGUS" where my name would be on it.
"For Gluttony and Greed, it is Scary Hell where you'll feed." said Scary Satan with a smile made of non-Costco brand grubs with scary aprons on them.
I tried to game the system but now I suffer in Scary Hell for all eternity.
After nine months of agonizing, Tiffanorp had made her decision. She was going to murder her pre-marital sex baby, a process that so-called "doctors" call abortion. Tiffanorp was at the murder doctor's office when the nurse called her name. Only the nurse wasn't the nurse, she was a devil/demon.
"Huh?" moaned Tiffanorp nervously. That's when she noticed it. She looked around, and saw that instead of People magazine in the lobby, they had Peep-Hell magazine, and all the celebrities on the cover were hyper-realistic and had blood everywhere.
For my entire life I have always feared Scary Hell. I knew the stories. The tortures. The very-specific scary objects. I have done everything in my power to avoid such a fate. I go to church everyday. I wash my feet and face. I commit very little sin. As much as I try, I know that Scary Satan is the master of his trade. Some say that it's not a matter of "if" Scary Satan will appear before you, but "when". I will not go to Scary Hell.
I now reach 100 years of age. I live alone in a small shack in the woods. I sustain myself with plentiful fish and bread. I have had a road paved back to civilization that leads to church. The mailman and the squirrels know that I am the polar opposite of sin. As I recount the years that have gone by, I start to smell the faint odor of roses. The sun's rays penetrate the usually dense forest roof and shine a godly beam of light upon my shack. I sit there amazed as broken furniture starts to fix itself, squirrels drop coins upon my doorstep, and the mailman sprouts hair from his bald head. A figure made of pure satin emerges from the nearby river. He glistens in the sun as he comes closer. I can see his crimson red silky wings dripping water, horns resembling those of a great elk, his nails gilded a bright glittery gold. It is Satan.
My awe quickly turns to panic as I scramble out of my wheelchair to grab my shotgun. As I attempt to load the double-barrels I find that my shotgun is now a priceless antique shotgun, the slugs are the animal slugs, and that I ran to my gun cabinet despite my legs being non-functional for years. The demon puts a gentle hand on my shoulder as he removes the weapon from my hand. Softly and faintly he whispers to me:
"I am Reverse Satan. This is Reverse Hell."
"Reverse Hell?" I said to myself while looking at the wonderment around me. Flowers and fauna have started to bloom within my home. My potted plants have taken flight with miniature angel wings. My grandkids have arrived to the forest riding a white unicorn to tell me how cool it is to have a grandfather like me. The local news station blares on TV how suddenly all the politics are fixed. The Hell's Angels have rode in on their bikes and are now having a baked goods fundraiser for church on my lawn.
"This is Reverse Hell? Am.. am I destined to stay here?" I say as I gaze upon the mailman being swarmed by flying plants.
"Reverse Heaven." Satan replies, pulling an ornate lever in the floor.
"Reverse Heaven." repeated Satan as the trapdoor gave away below my feet.
Former Navy SEAL Jeff Caliber survived tier one special ops and is now studying creative writing at Sarah Lawrence College in New York. And fighting terrorists.
You gave yourself that bad haircut years ago. You're a smarter person now. More well-rounded as a human. This time you'll probably be able to cut your hair like a champ. This is a terrific idea!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.