Steve's Stupidest #3
Vanessa the Candle Mage
From Rifter #30
Steve: Vanessa wanted to be a magic user. She was also way into artisanal candals. If only there was some way to combine the two that ruined the magic.
Steve: Luckily for her, she could combine the two thanks to this incredible character class.
Zack: She's a magic user, how bad can she be?
Steve: Let me put it this way...imagine casting a spell, only to cast it you had to burn a candle. Now imagine almost no spells work anymore because you have to make and burn a candle. Other spells, like energy bolt, will work, but you have to include multiple wicks and light multiple candles just to shoot an energy bolt.
Steve: My personal favorite is invisibility. Which makes you invisible within the circle of light of the candle. So you're invisible, except for the light source you're carrying around that tells exactly where you are.
Zack: This sounds pretty bad.
Steve: Oh, does it?
Steve: Because guess what, the real cool thing you can do is combine spells into a single candle that does something really specific like teleport a cheeseburger into the future ten seconds. Sounds good. Everything is cool. But, oh, wait, on a failure you have a ten percent chance of permanently losing an attribute point and a chance of becoming a monster or ending up in a months long coma.
Steve: Because you lit a candle wrong.
Zack: I'll admit, it sounds really bad, but I would risk some pretty dire things to teleport a cheeseburger ten seconds into the future.
Zack: Besides, you just won round 2 on a teleport clause.
Steve: Fine, dude. Show me what you got. Let's break this tie.
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.