Appearing In: Amazing Spiderman
Thanks: Cecotroph

Dr. Thorpe: He was so tired of telling those damn kids to get off his lawn that be BECAME his lawn.

Zack: He definitely looks like he's telling someone to get off of him.

Dr. Thorpe: He's got the balled-up fists and that wonderful old-man spittle-rage. He looks like he could lecture the hell out of you. You wouldn't understand a word of it, but your respect-your-elders upbringing would make you feel terrible.

Zack: I have a feeling Spiderman spent a lot of time apologizing to him. He would commit some crime and then rely on his seniority coupled with his feeble indignation to get him out of trouble.

Dr. Thorpe: "In my day, we didn't swear on the bus! There are ladies here! I was in the war, you know, you swear at a lady in the war, it's all over, mister! They bombed cities to the ground! You ever seen that?"

Zack: "You kids and your red costumes and bug names. That's crazy talk. Back in my day we only had green costumes, and we were glad to have 'em. No fancy tricks or powers either, we just put on a green suit and then we shot people with revolvers like the way it is in the Bible."

Dr. Thorpe: The police just don't want to deal with old people. You learn that fast when you watch Cops. Old people are incontinent and unpredictable and you can't manhandle them without breaking their hips and looking like an asshole. And you can never tell if they're knowingly committing a crime or just too senile to realize what they're doing. So the police just sort of stand near them with their arms crossed and stare at them looking stern but helpless while the old guy yells about god-knows-what.

Zack: Vulture would just strip out of his suit right before the cops showed up and then hoot and fondle himself and they'd put on the gloves and give him a ride back to the nursing home.

Dr. Thorpe: So maybe this guy is a super villain in that he's taken the senile nuisance veteran thing to some sort of grand scale, and he shoplifts whole shipments of electronic from trucks and then pretends he doesn't know what's going on. And the cops just have to say "come on, Pops, let's get you home."

Zack: "Oh dear, I...Margaret...are you Margaret? I can't find my glasses and I talked to a man on the telephone and gave him my bank account number. He was a very nice man and he told me to come get all of these DVD players. So, I was...are you sure you're not Margaret? Oh, I miss her so much."

Zack: Then the cops are all accusatory with poor Spiderman. "Jeez Spiderman, you didn't hit him did you?"

Dr. Thorpe: And then of course Spiderman is on the cover of the Daily Bugle or whatever, hitting a helpless old man in a grass suit.

Zack: Well we all know that J. Jonah Jameson would print a picture of Spiderman saving a baby and the article headline would be RAPERMAN: EIGHT-EYED BABY MOLESTER

Dr. Thorpe: So The Vulture is basically a human bad-PR campaign against Spiderman. Surely this is the product of a devious mind.

Zack: Against whoever. I have a feeling Vulture is probably not that discriminating.

Dr. Thorpe: Surely this is the product of a devious mind.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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