Ilari (22)

"This t-shirt used to belong to my mother. My father brought it from Japan some time in the 80's. The trousers are self made. I wanted to make big, baggy trousers with big patch pockets.

Be yourself, quit trying: namedropping is out, passé is so passé!"

Zack: He looks like an overturned craft basket at a summer camp for the blind.

Dr. Thorpe: He looks like his pants are made of leftover bits from the Goofy float at the Macy's parade.

Zack: To his credit, I would have to define this look as timeless.There is no time where looking like this has ever been appropriate. You would get your ass kicked today and you would get your ass kicked by a knight in 1050 AD. You would get your ass kicked by a dinosaur.

Dr. Thorpe: God, it hurts my head trying to imagine what kind of music these people listen to. "I heard the greatest electro remix of a Human League/Christopher Cross mashup the other day at Club Twix. I think I'm gonna go back tomorrow with my abstract b-boy crew and wreck the joint with some metadancing."

Zack: You would have to get a little more abstract for me to find it believable. Like they all climb into a sewer and listen to a high-frequency tone emitted by this egg-shaped rock they found adhering to a pipe.

Zack: "When the tone oscillates the eyes on my pants move from side to side."

Dr. Thorpe: Usually "look like an idiot" passes are only awarded to really, really cool people like Salvador Dali or Flava Flav. So I bet this guy is really well-known for something among the Helsinki hipster elite.

Dr. Thorpe: He is a graffiti artist but all his works are less than one square centimeter.

Zack: He invented a way to lean against a wall that has never been seen before.

Dr. Thorpe: He lives in a loft that used to be a nightclub inside a slaughterhouse inside an art gallery inside a skating rink.

Zack: He did an installation exhibit where all of the works were video cameras displaying the person viewing the work on a TV screen. He called it Circuit City.

Zack: He makes his own matches.

Dr. Thorpe: He was the first guy in Helsinki to come up with an accurate Finnish translation for the linguistic construct "______ is the new _____."

Zack: Cartoon eye-pants are the new diaper-over-jeans.

Dr. Thorpe: Suspenders are the new losing your virginity.

Zack: Mom's incomprehensible Japanese shirt is the new Mom's incomprehensible Chinese shirt.

Dr. Thorpe: Helsinki is the new Salvation Army.

Zack: Helsinki is the new Palestinian refugee camp.

Dr. Thorpe: Istanbul is the new Constantinople.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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