With college finals approaching, it's time once again for Microsoft Word autosummaries of all the old, boring books you were supposed to read. These helpful synopses tell you all you need to know about classic works of literature in 500 words or less.
The Jungle by Upton Sinclair
Jurgis talked lightly about work, because he was young. (Jurgis had studied this word carefully.)
asked Jurgis. Jurgis went home with his head buzzing. Beda man!"
Jurgis, being a man, had troubles of his own. Jurgis had discovered drink.
Jurgis led her away. Oh, Jurgis, Jurgis!"
"The time she spent the night here," said Jurgis.
"Oh, Jurgis, how can you?"
Oh, Jurgis, please, please! Oh, Jurgis-please, please!"
Jurgis made not a sound.
"Good morning," said Jurgis.
"It's me," said Jurgis.
"I?" "What's that?" asked Jurgis.
"I hit him, sir," said Jurgis.
"Your Honor," said Jurgis, obediently.
Jurgis hesitated. Jurgis had been listening in perplexity. Jurgis repeated. "Never mind that," Jurgis cried, wildly. "What's the matter with Marija?" cried Jurgis.
"Why not, Jurgis?"
Jurgis shook his head.
"Three weeks yet," Jurgis answered.
Jurgis nodded. Jurgis demanded.
Jurgis hesitated a moment, nonplussed. Jurgis asked. Jurgis echoed, and his face fell. Jurgis looked dazed. Jurgis stared at the boy, fascinated. "You-" Jurgis tried again. Jurgis panted. Jurgis turned toward her. "Rented it!" panted Jurgis. Wouldn't Jurgis come in and rest? "Jurgis! "We couldn't promise, Jurgis," protested Marija. "Yes," gasped Jurgis.
Jurgis protested. Jurgis asked, helplessly.
So Jurgis spent the night. "I want to go home," Jurgis said. Jurgis went outside. Ona!"
"Nearly three dollars, Jurgis."
Jurgis asked. "Jurgis Rudkus."
"Yes, sir," said Jurgis.
Jurgis stared, dumfounded. Jurgis presented his precious letter. "No," said Jurgis. "I'm not looking for work just now," Jurgis answered.
Jurgis demanded quickly.
"I've got a broken arm-" Jurgis began.
"I'm hungry, sir," said Jurgis.
"I haven't any home," said Jurgis.
Suddenly, therefore, Jurgis stopped. The man paused and half released Jurgis. "Master Frederick!" exclaimed the man.
Jurgis liked it.
"No," said Jurgis.
"Yes," said Jurgis.
Ole man Jones's place-Jones the packer-beef-trust man. "Rudkus-Jurgis Rudkus."
Jurgis gazed at him doubtingly. Jurgis asked.
"Yes, your Honor," said Jurgis.
"A man? The question took Jurgis aback. "Yes, your Honor," said Jurgis.
"I was blacklisted, sir," said Jurgis.
"Yes, sir," said Jurgis.
Jurgis started. "Why not?" asked Jurgis.
"Hell, man!" cried the other. Jurgis looked dumfounded. "I hadn't thought," said Jurgis.
"Good man!" he cried. Jurgis and two policemen chased some men into a bar-room. The man was Connor!
Jurgis sat dumb with dismay.
Poor Jurgis sat half-dazed. I'm a poor working-man-"
"Jurgis Rudkus!" she gasped. Jurgis gave a start. Jurgis asked. Jurgis gave a gasp. Jurgis sat, frozen with horror. Jurgis was silent for a moment. Jurgis sat staring at her. Jurgis waited outside and walked home with Marija. Jurgis answered in the affirmative.
-Then suddenly Jurgis looked up. To you, working-men! Working-men, working-men-comrades! Jurgis started. So much the little man heard, and then he pressed Jurgis's arm tightly. "No, sir," said Jurgis.
"It's hard work. "Yes," said Jurgis, "that's the name."
So Jurgis acquired the reading habit. Jurgis cried.
"This class-conscious working-man!
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.