Zack: Nothing wrong here. That dude is just giving himself another reason to wish his wife wasn't dead.

Dave: "OK, I want a nice portrait of my wife, but since she's been dead a few months, maybe you should go ahead and make her look pretty badly decomposed."

Zack: "In fearful memory..."

Zack: Why do I get the feeling this image came up in Slattery v. On The Edge Body Art Studios?

Dave: It just boggles the mind-- there's the little copyright symbol on there, so it really looks like this studio not only willingly took this photo to use in promotional materials, but they even held up the original picture as if to say "yeah, check that shit out! Perfect!"

Zack: All perception is subjective. Maybe the tattoo artist is one of those evil car racers with a wrench from the Take On Me video. Everything looks like this to him, which explains why he carries the wrench around.

Dave: I'm just going to lay it out there: either this tattoo artist has since been murdered, or this guy didn't love his wife. There it is.

Dave: Do you really think a guy sentimental enough to get a tattoo of his dead wife would be willing to excuse this kind of affront to her memory?

Zack: Avenging bad memorial tattoos is right up there with avenging the death they're commemorating.

Zack: "I can't murder cancer, so I'm going to have to kill you for this tattoo of my dead father."

Dave: Guy with this tattoo, if by some miracle you're reading this, here's how it is: this guy is using you as a living billboard to call your dead wife an ugly zombie troglodyte, and if you don't kill him you're a coward and hell is too good for you.

Zack: On the flip side, tattoo artist guy, I salute your enormous balls to not only take a picture of this, but stamp on your studio name and presumably post it on your website.

Dave: Every day you wait to wreak your bloody vengeance upon On The Edge Body Art Studios is another day that your wife cries in heaven, lamenting the cowardice of her chickenshit husband.

Zack: Maybe it's like the Picture of Dorian Gray and her body will remain in perfect condition in her casket while the tattoo continues to rot.

Dave: I think I'm gonna head over to On The Edge Body Art Studios and give them a photograph of my brother, because that's the cheapest way to get a really good tattoo of Lon Cheney.

Zack: If you tell him you want a skeleton he works backwards like a forensic reconstruction expert.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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