Hello, and welcome to "Ask Emily," a bi-weekly advice column of sorts in which I attempt to deal with and sort through some of the most pressing issues addressing the sad and confused people who send me whiny letters asking for help. These letters cover a wide spectrum of questions from relationships to organ donation ethics to homework help, and all letters are 100% real and come from actual people.

If you would like your letter printed here and have a question that you think I might be able to answer, or at least, you trust me not to just tell you that you need to spend some quality time with a large quantity of methadone, just drop me a line at askemily@somethingawful.com and if I can help you I will answer your letter as best as I can. This may mean that I tell you to end it all in the fastest and most painful way possible, but at least you will have gotten another perspective on your inability to find a date or whatever. In the mean time, sit back and relax and get ready to feel better about your own dumb life as you read about the misery and despair of your fellow nerds.

Dear Vots,You are probably not going to like the advice I have to give you, but I'll give it to you anyway in option vs. option format.OPTION 1: If you love and respect the girl that you are with and don't want to hurt her, the fact that she wants to wait to have sex should be acceptable to you and you should shut up and be patient. If you choose this option, don't be one of those meathead guys who tries to pressure their girlfriends into having sex with them every other day because she will have sex with you when she is ready to do so. She shouldn't have to feel obligated to fuck you or feel that she is doing it because you want to and not because she is ready. High school is a tricky time and (especially for girls) there is a lot of craziness going on in the sex department, so give her time and talk to her regularly about how she feels. Ask her if there are any concerns that you can help her with. If you are supportive of her needs she will be more likely to eventually trust you enough to want to engage in a sexual relationship with you, and communication in a relationship is of vital importance to it's success. If this relationship is important to you, you need to be prepared to make sacrifices for it, and there's always masturbation to help you along in your patient quest for vagina. For fuck's sake, there's porn galore out there.OPTION 2: Dump the frigid bitch and find yourself a trick that puts out. You are young and irresponsible, and the last thing that you should be worrying about in your high school years is a committed and serious long-term relationship that makes you feel trapped and tied down. It's not like you and No-Sex Girl are likely going to get married or something some day, anyway. If it's sexual experience that you feel matters the most to you and you won't be happy spending your horny teenage years knitting with her instead of pounding away on some teenage twat, don't wait for Miss Prissypants to spread 'em. Dump her and find a girl who will have awkward, regretful, pubescent sex with you. But at all costs, if this is the case and you really do want action before you're 30, tell Tighty McFrigidaire as soon as possible. There is no sense in stringing her along, and after a two-year relationship you owe her that much.Good luck, buddy, whichever option you end up picking.

Woah, that was pretty depressing. Oh well, on to the next one.

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