Now that the stupid moon thingy is gone and we're rid of it FOREVER, we can continue to critically examine Ben Garrison's beautiful works of art, in part 2 of the "Hey Everybody, I Make Poor Decisions In Life and That's Why I'm Stuck Writing Internet Articles About an Absolutely Insane Idiot" series. Part 1 is over here, in case you didn't get the memo or are not familiar with the genius that is Ben Garrison.
#11: UNDEAD JOHN RITTER GOES APESHIT ON A VIOLIN WITH TITS
A beautiful and refreshing look at a budding concert virtuoso; I am forced to assume this musician is an undead and somewhat pudgy John Ritter, who has decided to entertain and horrify all of the world by slamming a bow against a humanoid violin. If only Ben Garrison had labeled the name of the man on this drawing, then we would all be able to know who he's supposed to represent. The violin has boobs, a neck, and head because it is obviously the victim of a curse by a vindictive, evil wizard who one day caught a woman snooping around his band equipment and he said "hey stop it" but the woman didn't hear him because she was on her cellphone or whatever, so he put a spell on her to transform 3/4ths of her body into a bendy violin. Perhaps the wizard had been robotripping or something, and afterwards he looked down at this woman-violin hybrid violation of nature, put his hands up to cover his face, and mumbled, "I think I am ready to admit I have a substance abuse problem."
The song Dead Ritter is bowing all up happens to be a crowd favorite, "HOW TO PLAY THE MSM." This was written, naturally, by Alex Jones, who often plays the mainstream media by looking disheveled, obese, sweaty, drunk, perhaps also high, VERY drunk, and in a perpetual fugue state. Somehow that's a trick or something? I really don't know how Infowars works, or how they even obtained the power to cause John Ritter to rise from his grave. According to the notes floating above the shevolin, Dead Ritter isn't even playing the correct song, as none of the notes match, which explains his weird Parkinson's hands and the fact he's not even looking at the sheet music. You're a real arrogant bastard, Dead Ritter, and I hope you go on to die several more times.
#12: POTATOHEAD JOE DRIVES A GIGANTIC SLAVE TRAIN TO RUSSIA SOMEHOW
This is an extremely horrifying work of art from Garrison, as it depicts an inevitable brutality unlike any other. A very large man with a head shaped like a slightly less large potato is conducting a train which is so large that it's about to crush THE ENTIRE STATUE OF LIBERTY! For reference, the Statue of Liberty is over 300 feet tall, so I'd guesstimate this train of impending doom is at least 1200 feet tall, the height of the Empire State Building! How on earth did this giant train enthusiast procure the raw materials necessary to not only build his fiendish helltrain, but lay down all the track necessary to reach Russia?!?
While "AG" can be described as nothing short of a criminal mastermind simply from his craftsmanship, his intentions become even more sinister when you realize he has trapped a whole bunch of slightly smaller giants in his prison cars, which he chose to name "CARBON TAX SLAVERY." These people did not pay their taxes on carbon, and now they are slaves, which as everybody knows, belong in jail. They stopped putting criminals in prison inside Ben Garrison's world; now they're entirely populated by slaves, angry white folks who had a beef with carbon and the taxation thereof.
So what type of fuel does this train use to power itself across our land, crushing entire cities on its trans-Atlantic death march? Maybe money I guess, since there's a bag of it behind AG, aka Potatohead Joe. The burning of money results in the dark, black smoke belching forth, containing such by-products as "LIES," "ICE FREE BY 2014," "FALSIFIED DATA," and the notorious Weeping Bunk Bear. I don't recall exactly who promised us "ICE FREE BY 2014," or who would want all the ice in the world gone in the first place. Like not even tropical resorts would wish for that, because how the hell are they going to make mixed drinks without ice? Potatohead Joe must be stopped.
#13: AL ROKER NEVER MENTIONED THIS
Well. Um, this certainly is something that somebody made for a certain reason and / or purpose. I think. Uh. Whoo, where do I begin with this. Okay, first of all, you'll notice that the main character of this piece is a sentient tornado that somehow stole Trump's face, made it REALLY big and REALLY less ugly and fat. Perhaps at one point in time he had a body, but after spinning around at a million miles an hour, his arms and legs just flew the hell off and all that was left was his head and hair (somehow). Or a tornado sucked up a bunch of colored sand and the particles just somehow happened to all come together and form an uncanny resemblance to Donald Trump's head. These are both distinct possibilities, neither of which I will rule out because, quite frankly, looking at this thing scares the shit out of me.
So the Trump tornado, which is so large that is stands out from the entire Earth (that is now made of blue metal panels for... reasons...) is defying the laws of physics by extending its reach into outer space, the home of "SOROS," "OBAMA," "MERKEL," "GS" (I thought Gamespy was dead?), "GORE," the Eiffel Tower, a polar bear, and naturally The Pope. I usually call him "Spacepope" but you can refer to him as just Pope. There's also a very angry hot air balloon named after a city, which has somehow floated up into space, an area where I previously believed people would encounter a somewhat difficult time maintaining an open flame. Maybe that's why it looks mad. For some reason, Gore is shouting "PAY ME," which is not a common phrase people exclaim when encountering a tornado. Like I, personally, would say something like "holy shit" or "let's get the fuck out of here" or even "hey, is that the Spacepope?"
As is the case with outer space, there are numerous extremely large pieces of papers floating around arbitrarily, as well as a pyramid. If you ever saw the show "Ancient Astronauts," you would already know this.
#14: HELP, A BUNCH OF BUGS ARE ATTACKING MY TV DAD'S ASS
America's favorite TV dad, TV Dad, is running for his life from some extremely angry bugs that used to all live in a hive together until TV Dad came by to pick up his "#CNN BLACKMAIL" baseball bat. I do not know how the bat originally got there. Perhaps it was shipped by UPS and the driver said "no way in hell I'm going near that INTERNET FREE SPEECH hive," so he delivered the baseball bat by just tossing it out of his van at 30 miles an hour. Unfortunately TV Dad was not so lucky, as Floating Jabba The Hut The Wasp was the first to emerge from the hive, poking his stinger right into TV Dad's supple buttocks. At least I hope it's a stinger and not one of those gross-ass weird dicks some animals have, like the ones with barbs on them that are all bumpy and shit and whenever they fuck another animal the other animal is like "ow, this probably is not worth it, but I don't want to hurt his feelings so I'll just be quiet and die here from the inside out."
TV Dad's problems are just beginning, as a swarm of other insects, most of which either possess the faces of joyous white men or particular letters of the alphabet, are coming for his butt as well. One is a clover, so I think that's representative of leprechauns. Leprechauns hate TV Dad, because CNN once hosted a talk show entitled, "Why Leprechauns are Dumb as Shit," and it was over 17 hours long. Finally, please note that the ground seems to run out before the edge of the panel, so TV Dad is probably about to ploish off the sides of the flat Earth he used to reside upon. May god bless your mess, TV Dad. #BlessTVDad
#15: A PUKING TRASH CAN MAN WITH POOR VISION AND ONE ARM PERFORMS HIS FAMOUS ONE-MAN, OFF-BROADWAY ACT
A crown jewel of the New York performance arts, Puking Trash Can Man With Poor Vision and One Arm, who people usually refer to as Mr. Oh Holy Shit What Is That Thing, acts out his famous monologue, which is essentially the words "RUSSIANS," "TRUMP," "RACIST," and "HACKING" copied and pasted into various places for nearly 400 consecutive pages. Oh, the words "THE" and "AND" are in there too. Wouldn't want to sell this piece of art short.
Looking through the window behind him proudly stands Donald Trump, or at least Donald Trump in an alternate reality where he looks absolutely nothing like Donald Trump. He's clearly happy because he didn't purchase a ticket to the show, yet he's able to watch the entire thing. That's why they call Trump "The Dealmaker," because he will ALWAYS come up with a creative way to see a puking trash can man with poor vision and one arm for free. The logo for CNN is on the bottom right, but in an uncanny twist of fate, the phrase "FAKE NEWS" is pointing towards it with the world's shittiest arrow. Maybe it's an anchor or something. I have no idea. Also Trump seems to be glowing and possible radioactive, so there's that.
#16: PARDON ME, BUT YOU HAVE A TINY WOMAN GROWING FROM YOUR HAND
No real labels or words here, so we're essentially on our own if we try to decipher this masterpiece. However, it seems simple enough, as it portrays the time-tested image of two men from different countries shaking hands while crushing a woman to death. To add insult to injury, the tiny woman, who is in the process of quickly dying, is also being pummeled by free-falling stars. The Chinese sweatshop that manufactured her flag should seriously be shut down, as it is irresponsible to put the risk of a tiny woman's health in jeopardy by simply purchasing a flag. There are some sort of strange black radio waves emanating from their hands, perhaps a byproduct of the crushed woman. Does the average female contain a substantial amount of radio waves, and if so, can we harness that power? Like build a factory where machines equipped with gigantic hands crush tiny women on a conveyor belt and the radio waves released are harnessed in a jar and sold to XM stations? Can a biologist and physicist help me out with this one please?
#17: TINY TRUMP MOUNTS A BIRD AND FLIES INTO THE SUN
In a great majority of Garrison's "art," Trump is often portrayed as a larger-than-life figure, a statuesque epitome of the human form. For some reason, this particular drawing displays him as a very tiny man, one who could easily be crushed (like a tiny woman) by the many devious giant hands of the evil left. His pet bird, named "MAGA," attempts to fly freely but is constrained by the devious arms of "LEFTIST JUDGES," "GLOBALIST DEEP STATE," and "FRAUD NEWS FNN," in addition to a tiny space Obama. The GLOBALIST DEEP STATE and FNN arms have the right idea, trying to grab the bird by its legs, but Tiny Space Obama and LEFTIST JUDGES fucked up big time by choosing to only grab a single feather. Why did they do that? What were they thinking? Do they not know how birds work?
Trump points to the sun, which is currently showing an ad for something named "AMERICA FIRST," indicating that may be his subsequent destination. Despite occupying a space far above the Earth's atmosphere, there seems to be clouds inhabiting space. I'm beginning to suspect Ben Garrison might not actually have the firmest grip on reality and how things in general work. Finally please note the mysterious hand grabbing the bird's assfeathers. I think Garrison drew that in, realized "oh shit, there's not enough space on the arm to write words identifying what this is supposed to represent," and immediately gave up. Probably that "SOROS" guy, he's usually responsible for everything anywhere all the time.
#18: MY DEATH NEEDLE IS FULL OF SNAKES AND MONEY
"BIG PHARMA" is the nickname for "BIG PHARMACY" which is the nickname for "COMPANIES THAT SELL MEDICATION" which is the nickname for the actual companies that sell medication. While nobody actually likes the price gouging going on in America, Garrison takes his loathing of BIG PHARMA one step further, displaying his utter contempt for them by representation of a giant death needle snapping in half. Spilling from the insides of the needle are none other than the popular drugs labeled:
Some of the extra goo has spilled out in the shape of a US dollar symbol, which is quite strange and coincidental considering "BIG PHARMA" makes much of their money in America. Perhaps I'm just reading into this drawing too much, and I'm like the people who stare at a piece of bread for six hours and then suddenly see the Virgin Mary's face in it.
#19: YOUR COLLEGE TUITION DOLLARS ARE CLEARLY BEING WASTED
This cartoon is apparently supposed to represent... a bunch of... uh... "things" going on... on a campus. Maybe. Honestly I would not be surprised if this image was lifted directly from a painting by Hieronymus Bosch. We've got the strong right arm of furious masturbation taking down a very grotesque, wobbly, deep fried terrorist arm dead center, during a competition entitled "DEBATE WITH STEFAN." I'm not 100% sure about this, but at least every debate I've participated in lacked any arm wrestling. Additionally, "AUTISTIC SCREECHING IS NOT AN ARGUMENT" would be a very ineffective line to deliver during a debate. Then again, if you come lumbering in to the debate with one fucking gigantic huge-ass arm, your chances of being taken seriously are already slim to none.
To the left is some bobble-headed blonde with welding goggles shocking hippies by holding a very tiny ant between her fingers, as well as "MIKE C" sauntering down the walkway with a very masculine and happy Statue of Liberty, who is undoubtedly overjoyed that she is no longer a very large, inanimate statue and is also now married. Opposite side we see some wee tots in a dumpster about to be hauled off to "SAFE SPACE," which is a very famous grocery store chain in the south, and a person whose shoulder supports the name "GAVIN" interviewing Bendy Leg Betty, who is suffering from so much leg pain that she has urinated all over the sidewalk. Also there's some weird symbol on her hat that I cannot readily identify, but I believe it has something to do with ketchup and mustard. Towards the bottom, two women are conversing about the correct and proper way to apply Axe body spray, with the poor brunette on the right clearly using it improperly. So what ultimately is "THE TALK ON CAMPUS?" Perhaps something related to the entire school turning into a nightmare from a Richard Bachman novel.
#20: RELEASE THE CRACKHEAD
Much like the pilot of Gilligan's Island, an oceangoing vessel is being violently torn apart by a gigantic head with tentacles glued onto it. He seems very upset at the SS THE DEEP STATE, perhaps because he is offended at their ignorance of the ocean NOT being a state. We've got Mr. MSM falling backwards on the bottom, as he is "PLOOP"ed upon by a cannon. This weapon is not very effective, unless they are attempting to defeat the ocean I suppose. There's a gingerbread man on the ship all roped up, Dr. IMPEACH TRUMP is wildly gesticulating, and - oh, well there's the Google logo. Uh. Hmm. Oh there's also a "WAR" flag? Bannon is defeating the war on Google? oh god up top Jacobs Ladder creature flails. n no. no no no. i do not oh Cia spy man. no pl
eas cIA spy man look at t tghe kra kn i cat n
helpe me pleas help thi s i cannoty do anuy mo ythis
Following America's defeat in World War 3, allied forces uncovered a number of experimental weapon prototypes in the hotel-compound of Trump's loyalist Space Force army. Had the war continued just a few more months, these secret weapons would have changed the course of the war.
Extremely proud over here! The bosses took notice and I have been promoted to 20 cages!!
Are there arrows in Tomb Raider? "No. Absolutely not."
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.