I wake up at 6 AM every single day. I’m asleep before the PM hours even hit double digits. This seems like an extremely responsible work schedule for most, but I am doing this inadvertently. If I had any work to do I would actually do it, and not even procrastinate. My primary job title prior to this totally epic bacon-wrapped pandemic was “bartender,” so you could say I’ve been working from home. My only customer is myself, I’m there every single day, and I don’t even tip. I’m a morning monster.


What day is it? Yeah, I fucking know what day it is, because my phone, which is constantly in my hand for at least 15 hours per day according to iPhone metrics, says it on there. On one of the screens I mindlessly swipe it says it, I think. Not gonna look now, and I never have until the point when the date needs to be addressed. This generally happens on average every three business days. Sometimes I order a new torture device for my cat and need precise details about its arrival. No, I don’t harm my pet, but this bitch currently has fleas so I had to do the unthinkable and bathe her. And I have the scars to prove it.


Is it Thursday? Who cares. Honestly I cook lunch like it’s a fucking three course meal and have Top Ramen for dinner. I dry-brined a pork loin and julienned carrots for a 7 AM meal and had three bottles of wine and some Chef Boyardee for dinner. 


TV is over. I’ve exhausted all my streaming resources, even those with ex’s and relative’s logins. The only reason I can remember what day it is, and clap with excitement, is when Tim & Eric’s new sitcom Beef House airs on Sundays. If you haven’t seen that, then how the fuck do you know what day it is? Seriously, it’s what we need. 


Do you know how to cut hair? Me neither. Do I cut my own hair? Yes. Do I continue doing this, despite the fact that I know I am unskilled and fuck my own shit up each time? Yes. Do I do this every day? Well, it’s called ‘compulsion’ and it’s stupid. After it already got too bad to fix, I watched a video on YouTube on how to do it. It made too much sense to me and I gave it a thumbs down.


What have I become? I used to stay up until 6 AM doing lines and messaging e-babes. Now I can be quizzed on which cereal comes from which brand. Crispix? Motherfucking Kellogg’s, bitch. Next question.


Here's a video I made parodying the actual struggle of quarantine.

– Everett "Rad Milk" Byram (@rad_milk)

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2020 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.