The folks at Skymall follow a simple marketing strategy: target people when they're weak. Since commercial air travel makes folks fear for their lives, they'll be happy imagining any future on the ground, even one surrounded by the dumbest products on the planet. As part of their probationary restitution, Nick Arizona and P. Jordan Dimebag sat in on Skymall's holiday focus group and produced the following observational log. We hope this seven-part guide aids in facilitating a festive holiday shopping season! Check out the previous guides here: Part 1, Part 2.
Escape those deadly flames with this life-saving poncho! This product could literally save the lives of you and your family members. The Firefly Survival Poncho provides protection from the intense heat and flames of a fire so you can quickly move to safety without harming yourself or others. Oversized ponchos slip on easily and offer plenty of room inside for children or pets. Aluminized fiberglass construction resists heat up to 1650 degrees F. Size: Adult and Child. (Skymall)
P: Afraid to go to parties hosted by your novelty lighter-toting friends?
N: Turn the tables on them with this terrifying costume that combines two time-tested classics: a ghost and Darth Vader!
P: It comes with a sign that says, "Do not put trash in my mouth."
N: It also has room for pets or children, in case you want to kidnap someone from a burning building. It's like shooting fish in a barrel for kidnappers, all you do is follow the fire trucks! "Come with me, kid, I'm Darth Vaaaader! C'mon, I'm your faaaather!"
P: You can save ten bucks by buying a secondhand one. "Gently used. May contain charred remains of previous owner. Manufactured in a facility that processes peanuts."
N: Do you think these are reusable? Machine-washable? What would happen if there was a fire while you were cleaning your poncho? I mean, this appeals to the person who needs 24/7 protection from the unforeseen disasters, I think they should include a smaller backup poncho in case of extra-mergencies.
P: More protection? This sucker is already overpowered. It's immune to water and fire. What more do you want?
N: This thing would get pwned by Bulbasaur!
P: Is Bulbasaur a garbage man? This would be a good product if you wanted to burn someone alive but didn't want to leave your house.
N: It seems the smart thing to do would be wear this every day under your clothes.
P: I'm glad the designer didn't give into pressure from fire departments and stayed true to poncho form by not providing protective arm covers.
N: That's what the child sizes are for. You stick one on each arm and then you're completely safe at the cost of looking like a chimeric escapee from a clone farm.
P: Too bad this thing can't catch on fire because a three-headed flaming clone would be badass. Maybe that was their original intention but they came up with a home safety device instead. Besides, the hands would be exposed through the little face holes. Hands aren't fireproof like faces are.
N: There are flaws in the design. Don't you think if these actually worked, we'd see more supervillans wearing them? From the Human Torch to Wheeler from Captain Planet, bad guys need to expect good guys will set them on fire from time to time. However, I did like the product placement of these in V for Vendetta, when Hugo Weaving was making eggs and made Natalie Portman wear one before he'd fuck her.
P: I think if these actually worked, we'd see more firemen wearing them. Then again, firemen are so tough they need the challenge of being weighed down by sheets of canvas. Maybe they're all taking DARE and have to learn what fighting fires would feel like on drugs.
N: Man, stop sucking firefighter dick. In this post-9/11 world, suddenly it's not in style to make fun of firefighters? Face it, if firefighters could do their jobs, we wouldn't need the Firefly Survival Poncho. This is so people who see socialized firefighting as the commie scam it is can save themselves and a chosen pet/child when the flames hit the fan.
P: They've already discovered a cure for fires but won't release it because they make more money on fire-proof pills.
N: It's probably derived from some cheap, available resource, like wood or air, but you'll never hear about it. The money's not in the elimination, it's in the treatment.
P: Kevin Trudeau told me I don't need some expensive foam to put out electrical fires. He says water is both cheaper and easier to clean up afterwards.
N: Kevin Trudeau is the Matthew Lesko of the homeopathic crowd. "How much time do you think you'll spend blowing out candles this year? Four hours? Six hours? What if I told you there was an easier way that the government doesn't want you to know about?!?!" And then he runs backwards up the steps of a fire station and spontaneously combusts.
P: Instead of question marks, Trudeau's suit is all covered in bits of broccoli and lettuce. Not pictures of broccoli and lettuce, bits of broccoli and lettuce. Have you seen Michael Moore's new documentary? It's him hassling Smokey the Bear for two hours and then he lights a fart in a burn ward. He symbolically empties a fire extinguisher on Thich Quang Duc's living relatives for making self-immolation trendy.
N: Yeah, and that napalm girl should be ashamed of herself for glamorizing being both underweight and on fire.
P: Fortunately this product won't spark any trends. It may save you from literal fires, but what about the figurative burns on your ego from scornful onlookers? Owning this product commits you to living a double life, one where you're flame retardant...
N: ...and one where you're flame retarded! Ooh, there's a burn no poncho could mitigate!
P: I hate it when people use literally when they mean figuratively. Clearly "This product could literally save the lives of you and your family members" refers to its ability to thwart all disses at your family's mass funeral.
N: You will literally give them the cold shoulder! Figuratively!
P: You know someone is working on a 1651 degree lighter at this moment. The war is far from over. Literally.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
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