Rick and stumpy companion - winning hearts of washed-up fashion models since the days of the neckerchief.
Rick and his pals explore the tomb ("HAHAHA! YES! TOMB!") in search of gold ("HAHA! GOLD!"). Their search comes up empty, no matter where they look. Eventually, some random guy shows up who supposedly knows a lot about these things, and he shows them how to find a hidden room. Then he leaves, never to be seen again. I have to say, that's a little weak. If you've got three guys, two of which may or may not even have names, and they've got huge amounts of dynamite and absolutely no concern for the structural integrity of the tomb as long as the treasure is intact, is it really necessary to introduce a fourth character to the mix to find another fucking room? And what is in that room that they find, you might ask? Gold ("HAHA! GOLD!")? Nope, it's the sarcophagus. All that needless exposition and character introduction ("HAHAHA! CHARACTER INTRODUCTION! YES!") just to find the sarcophagus, which is the entire reason the tomb is there in the first place? Wow. That's just stunning. Today's filmmakers could learn something from this, what with their "plots that progress" and "characters that serve a purpose." Pshaw!
As Rick n' pals are taking a break after a hard five minutes work, they spot a group of people setting up camp not too far from the tomb. Figuring that they're rival tomb raiders, Rick fires off a couple shots as a friendly "Hello, and get the fuck away from our gold." It turns out that it's just Bill and his models... and Jenny. The whole crew storm up to the tomb entrance to see just what the fuss is. After all, they're models. They don't have to be concerned about petty things like bullets. Rick tells them that he and his men are conducting an excavation of the tomb, and that it's not open to the public. Bill believes him, but storms on into the tomb anyway. He decides it would be the perfect place to shoot, and the models concur as they just let themselves right on in. Rick can't come up with a single thing to say to get them to leave. Somehow, "It's not safe," never crossed his mind. Hell, he's only got enough dynamite to blow up Central America, you'd think he could convince a bunch of New York socialites that his filthy cave isn't the safest place in the world to be. But alas, Rick instead agrees to let Bill and his crew move on in for a few days of shooting.
Sorry, Jenny, you don't belong here. You'll have to die painfully.
Now here's the kicker. Sure, the three Egyptian men from before go into the tomb first. Sure, Rick and his cronies are blasting the place to tiny, smithereen shaped pieces with dynamite in search of the Sephriman's ancient sacred treasure, but in the end, it's a bunch of snotty American models nosing around that finally gets the damn mummy to open its freaking eyes. It doesn't do anything, just opens its eye and squirts a little goo from between its bandages. Friggin' American tourists, always mucking everything up, eating ice cream in the Hague and such and such. They immediately set up a photo shoot, in which the models dress like they're going to their junior cotillion. What agency would pay to send their models and photographers to Egypt just so they can photograph fashions that have been around since the 1940s?
As they're taking their last shots, Rick sneakily cuts the power cord to their lights. That, I don't get. He wants them out of the tomb, and they just said they only had a couple of shots left to go. Why would you cut the wire? Like they're not prepared for a technical failure? All it does is prolong the length that they're in the tomb, as they have to wait for someone to get the backup cable. That Rick, he's just too clever for his own good, I tell you. Jenny reaches into a random pot and finds a fresh human heart. At least, I think it's supposed to be a heart. It could be a flank steak. In any case, it's fresh, which is sort of odd. She starts screaming, which sets off some of the other girls. Later on, at their camp, Jenny's hand starts burning where she touched the heart. Joan rushes over to help her by holding her tightly and preventing her from moving anywhere... such as, to water, bandages, or any sort of helpful item that could neutralize the burn. Great medical skills there, Joan. Someone's burning, the right response is to keep them still and watch them burn. Fantastic.
Man, maybe they shouldn't have made that sequel to "Roots."
That night, the more Arab of Rick's two foreign cohorts (the other one is French or Chinese or something) sneaks into the tomb to get the gold for himself. As he's rooting around, a hidden door slides open. Being the real brains of the operation, he decides to take a peek into the new room, only to have the very same stone door slide down on his head. He falls unconscious and the door slides down on his body, luckily lightly enough that not only does it not crush him, but he's not even stuck. Someone pulls him out the other side. It's all very mysterious. Or at least, it would be if it wasn't so powerfully lame. Or if we had any reason to care if this character lives or dies. All I know is, people have been mucking with this tomb and its contents nonstop for the last twenty-four hours, and Sephriman has yet to really rise, let alone AND KILL.
The next morning, Rick and Frenchie Wong return to the tomb. They acknowledge that the wormy Arab guy is missing, but only in passing, and all talk of that is dropped the minute they lay eyes on the pathetic little amount of gold ("HAHAHAHA! GOLD! GOLD!") he managed to unearth while he was snooping around. Things are going great, lots of manhugs that last just a little too long for comfort, when Bill and his models show up again.... and also Jenny. So now we've got to endure another intolerable photoshoot sequence. I think Frank Agrama is trying to suggest through shot after shot of the damn lights that the hot lights are what is slowly rousing the mummy. Of course, if that is true, then this has got to be the weakest mummy in history. He's supposed to rise AND KILL if anyone breaks the seal on his tomb. Well, his tomb has seen more pyrotechnics than a KISS concert (and much less appealing makeup, to boot), but he doesn't even start to stir until the hot lights melt away some of his bandages. I'm sorry, that's not a curse. That's a laughable excuse for plot. Finally, he at least sits upright after the models leave.
At the models' camp that night, Melinda (or possibly Lisa. In such shitty lighting, they're all interchangeable) has a run in with a badly mutilated Arab guy, who now looks more like some sort of zombie than anything. She screams bloody murder as her attacker tries to gently hold onto her shoulders like the monster he is. Gary rushes to her aid and throws the Arab guy to the ground, where he politely dies. Rick, who happens to be there for no particular reason whatsoever, says that the poor guy had been mauled by some wild animal. Gary tries to convince Bill that they should leave by telling him that "things are getting just a little too heavy, man." Amazingly enough, that doesn't quite have the impact he hoped for. Later that night, Melinda is awoken by someone putting their hands around her throat. It turns out it's just Rick, that loveable ol' scamp! He shoots at them one day, he wakes her up by throttling her, what's not to love? Naturally, they have sex. It is never mentioned again. Do yourself a favor and read the last few sentences again. I don't want you skimming over this part. Rick, the guy who has no affiliation with these models whatsoever, wakes up Melinda, the woman who was just attacked by his dead partner, by strangling her, which gets her in the mood for some sex. None of this ever comes up again for the entirety of the movie. How the hell does that work? Since they came to Egypt, they've found human heads in the sand, fresh hearts in mysterious tombs, had someone be burned by nothing at all, they've been shot at, they've been assaulted by a man dying of severe facial lacerations, and the guy who tried to shoot them is skulking around their camp strangling sleeping women. In what sense is staying there another day a good idea?
Who's in the unholy army of the night? "Ooh, ooh! I am!"
The old batshit woman from early on in the film goes to the tomb at night. She was terrified of the place earlier, but now she can't get enough of it. She find the mummy having a ball standing up, and she swears that she is thrilled that the time of his return is finally here. He strangles her to death. So there you go. He rose, he killed. Curse fulfilled. And best of all, no one of consequence was hurt. Unfortunately, when the old woman dies, Sephriman's skanky ass army of the night slowly rises from the desert sand. The real question here is, how did they get out there in the first place? The guys who were supposed to become the army of the night were killed and imprisoned in the tomb with Sephriman's mummified corpse. Who took the time to bury them individually in the desert? I know it wasn't Rick, he's been to busy banging Melinda with no provocation. Perhaps this is one of the great mysteries of this film that will simply never be solved. Much like how it is possible that this movie ever got the green light in the first place. The first thing the army of the night does is shamble toward some ramshackle village that looks suspiciously like the one that the whip guys oppressed back in 3000 B.C. That's just adding insult to injury, if you ask me.
The models return to the tomb for one last day of shooting. They've done crappy formal wear, now it's time to show Egypt how early Eighties America does crappy casual wear! The models are dressed in stupid nightgown-like housedresses that no self-respecting woman would ever wear. To give it an "Egyptian" feel, the women are all wearing exotic makeup, too, but of course that would never go with their clothes, so they end up just looking laughably bad. Lisa decides to take a break from the exhausting business of standing still for a couple seconds at a time and goes off to wander the tomb. She rounds one corner, then immediately starts whining and crying about how she's lost. I don't know how she manages that one. As far as Frank Agrama has bothered to show us thus far, the tomb only has a couple chambers, and the models have already worked in most, if not all of them. There's not a lot of space to get lost in, but Lisa somehow figures out a way to do it. Kudos to you, Lisa. She stumbles upon the body of one of the Egyptian guys who tried to rob the tomb when it was full of poison gas, which sets off her scream alarm again. Once more, it's Rick to the rescue! As he runs to find her, the drama is heightened by close-up shots of the mummy's face, although without any background or longer shots of him, it's impossible to tell where he is or what he's looking at. For all we know, the mummy is casually strolling through Epcot Center. It's unlikely, I know, but there's no way to really be sure.
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Following America's defeat in World War 3, allied forces uncovered a number of experimental weapon prototypes in the hotel-compound of Trump's loyalist Space Force army. Had the war continued just a few more months, these secret weapons would have changed the course of the war.
Are there arrows in Tomb Raider? "No. Absolutely not."
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