We didn't make up that "Hawaiian terrorist" label as some kind of obscure joke, by the way. Despite having all of the ingredients lined up for a really paint-by-numbers C- deathsport movie, the minds behind Futuresport (i.e. Wesley Snipes) decided they had to spice things up with some baffling, jumbled political intrigue involving semi-Cold Wars and violent Hawaiian separatists:



Fortunately for us all, before anyone can start a war that would seriously jeopardize the nation's supply of Spam sushi and tropical drinks with little umbrellas in them, a Challenge is issued[2]: Hawaii's fate is to be decided by a Futuresport game, because the stakes were just too low in the world championship match they opened the movie with.

To top it all off, the game is played by "street rules", because Pele knows that two gigantic nation-states with their territory and pride on the line wouldn't be sticklers for the rules in a game deciding the outcome of a bitter secession war broadcast live to the entire fucking world. Not that it makes any difference though, really. As far as we can tell, the only rules Futuresport even has in the first place are:

  • Put ball in hole with sick skate moves
  • Don't hold ball too long or you get zap
  • Kill people with sticks

So the "street rules" version looks pretty much the same, only with Wesley Snipes bebopping and scatting all over everybody and taking his shades on and off repeatedly while making pigeon cooing sounds directly into the camera.

By the way, we feel obligated to really harp on the point that this winner-take-all game to decide the fate of pan-Pacific geopolitics forever gets set up by a semi-famous Futuresport player just spontaneously deciding to go on TV and say so without consulting anyone, which in this future is apparently diplomatically equivalent to Congress declaring war and/or deciding to give free countries away. Between mid-tier soap opera celebrities declaring martial law on Hollywood Squares and this one kind of famous 2nd runner-up on American Idol accidentally reenacting the Warsaw Pact by messing up his song lyrics, it's a wonder anyone gets anything done in this future fantasy world.

Needless to say, Wesley Snipes saves the day by kicking people in the nuts, the bad guys lose the fuck out of the match, and everyone lives happily ever after, except for Hawaiians. Fuck those guys. The end. Or as they would say in the Occupied States of Free United Polynesiamaica: Aloha, mon! Whaaaaaaaa!

[2] http://youtu.be/FXT0nUEHB90 (This speech is kind of inspiring, at least until you realize that a washed-up minor celebrity more or less just declared himself president on TV.)

Plot-9
Acting-8
Special Effects-7
Directing-9
Music / Sound-6
Overall-39/50

– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)

More Reviews [Movies]

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.

  • DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG

    DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG

    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2021 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful