Overview: Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is pretty much what would result if you told Sid and Marty Krofft to remake Star Wars as a fantasy movie in an ill-conceived attempt to cash-in on both 80s fads at the same time. Unfortunately, the only way you would ever want to see that is if you've somehow managed to stay permanently high on a cocktail of mescaline and quaaludes since 1976.
Directed By: Hector Olivera, 1985
The Case For: This is, ostensibly, a "swords and sorcery" movie, but all of the swordfighting is bowel-spillingly bad, and all of the sorcerers can (and repeatedly do) blast people to smithereens just by waving vaguely in their general direction (when they're not busy doing techno laser battle, that is). So if your feebled Millhouseian wizard was relentlessly bullied by some jock paladin in your high-school Dungeons and Dragons group and you're hankering for payback, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom will probably feel very cathartic to you.
The Case Against: For the rest of us, it feels less cathartic and more like watching He-Man: Masters of the Universe on a really bad 100x salvia trip. Also, we're pretty sure the secret of the Lost Kingdom is that nobody can find it because everything is darker than the inside of a mole's asshole.
Trillaphon: It's about goddamn time we finally got around to another barbarian/fantasy movie.
Hydrogen: I agree, it's been too long, especially if you don't count that one movie with those twin identical hulking retards making ear-splitting donkey noises for 90 minutes solid.
Trillaphon: The only list I'm putting The Barbarians on is my list of reasons to undergo surgically-induced perma-amnesia as soon as they invent that.
Hydrogen: Anyway, this movie is called Wizards of the Lost Kingdom and it's from the depths of the 80s, I'm sure it's going to be full of...
Trillaphon: What the fuck was that? Did the local court jesters all turn feral and form a roving band of muggers in the woods? They're all worse at sword-handling than shut-in lesbians.
Hydrogen: Those guys were like the Washington Generals of medieval banditry. And that was more or less the high point of the swordplay in this movie, which mostly makes Youtube videos of fat, autistic kids unboxing katanas look well-choreographed.
Trillaphon: That's not true, there was some great stuff in the opening scenes. You know, the ones that were blatantly edited right out of Deathstalker.
Hydrogen: If I was shooting a fantasy movie and I somehow sunk so low that I was considering cribbing from goddamn Deathstalker, I'd probably just fall on my pile of prop swords and end it all instead.
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
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