Dear American Girl Doll,
I am a 1/16th Cherokee Indian dad's rights crusader and I resent the way you have treated me as a second class citizen when I visited American Girl Place in Chicago this weekend. You have a Native American girl doll called Kaya and yet you engage in pure discrimination for no reason. I bet she has a dad...or does she? Maybe in your world there are no dads or grandpas.
In addition to bigotry you can't respect that a retired IT professional from North Carolina wants to get a new haircut and earrings for his Kit Kittredge doll. I felt like I was being treated like a terrorist. If an obese grandfather of nine wants to find a pretty overcoat for Kit why do I have to be treated like I am doing something wrong? How would your employees like it if I followed THEM around all the time?
If this is the way you are going to treat your paying customers I hate to think how you will treat all those girls who are in the store to browse. Legoland Discovery Center did not treat me like this, although they have their own serious issues with the Dragon Quest ride and seats that are too small which is another form of bigotry.
Here are some things you can do to improve:
1. You should have an area in the men's bathroom for injecting insulin.
2. The ladies working in the American Girl Salon should be told NO BACKSASS and no staring. Yes, Francine, I am a retired computer expert from Raleigh and I want Kit to have hoop earrings. Do my ears also.
3. Why is it okay for little girls to take 500 pictures and I take one picture and I am a bad guy??? Uhhhh equality is all I ask for here, honestly.
4. ALL AGES should be welcome at the McKenna Girl of the Year Scavenger Hunt. I enjoy a good egg creep. I am fond of a seek and find. I metal detect in the summers. Maybe I would like to have a brunch with my Kit, share my favorite American Girl stories and then find free accessories hidden around the store.
5. Your toilets have very low water pressure. This is just an observation.
6. Your sexist, ageist birthday party policy says that only GIRLS can have a birthday but I wanted to celebrate my son Chet's 40th at AGP this year with a shopping spree blowout. I guess I will have to continue to buy clothes for his Josefina on ebay.
7. I heard your photo studio woman named Nancy talking about BO. I don't think she meant Barack Obama and even if she did I don't want to hear it. I have nothing to do with either. I showered right before I came and I don't deserve to be incriminated in smell conspiracies. Maybe one of the pre-tweens in my exploration group smelled "like a dead body in a gym locker."
8. More places to sit down along the tour.
There was no QT cake served for me (treated as a parent) when I was ALONE with a doll even though I paid for a "girl's day out" package, which, don't even get me started on that name.
"This is bullshit!" <---My review of your American Girl Cafe I put up on Yelp. Get ready for way worse if you don't change your blatant anti-dad policy.
I drove in from Alsip on my anniversary with my ex-wife and I was made to feel unwelcome at your stores. Please refund my money immediately or I will be forced to open a case with a lawyer to recover SEVERE psychological damages.
I will accept my refund as in-store credit.
Hugh T. Bolbsvurt
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.