NASA will be discontinuing the Young Astronauts Outreach Program in 2011 on the grounds that NASA has way too many astronauts already and will not be needing any new ones. Also several children may have died. That email wasn't supposed to go out but it went out anyway and might have said something about space suit helmets being just like plastic bags. Lt. Col. AJ Tucker has been grounded from the ISS since an incident in January when he struck a female member of the suit-up crew. He will continue as the head of the outreach program until it ends.

Greetings, astromen. Excelsior!Hey there kids, I am Lt. Col. AJ Tucker. I used to be Mission Commander aboard the International Space Station located high above the earth in something called space orbit, but then I found out sexism still exists in America. I am totally for equal women and women can't be equal until they can be clocked in the face when they take too long attaching the comms cabling to your inner suit liner. Buzz Aldrin regularly choked out ground crew for ZULU reason and he got hugged by the President. Neil Armstrong stabbed a child with a MFing broken bottle. Bet you didn't read about that in your Big Book of Space Lies. The kid had it coming, but my point stands. Sorry to blow your mind with my truth AIM-9.

To answer your question, yes, my first name really is AJ, that's not short for anything and it's not Aj like the DMV thinks. It's A-J Tucker. Do you know what you call a Lieutenant Colonel? You call him "Colonel." Same thing pretty much. And there's nothing wrong with pushing 50 and still having the Lt. before the Col. Nothing at all.

Here's this crappy planet that they imagined because they can't actually see it and all this stuff is made up.As many of you may have heard this Obama fruitcake has lost his noodles and we're getting rid of the space shuttles. Yeah, sure, no problem. It only took like a trillion dollars to come up with those. I'm sure we can whip up something just as good in a couple years.

Don't know who this Obama joker is, but one minute I'm on the ISS catching M&Ms in my A-hole and the next minute I'm back on earth with gravity sickness, doing my treadmills trying to keep my bones from turning to pudding, and watching some black man talk about hope. Then he cuts our budget and ends the space shuttle and not even a chance to raise the money through a contest or a bake sale or something. He'd better hope I never meet him. I'm trained in all kinds of martial arts moves.

Nothing against blacks, but they make terrible astronauts. They have no right to be ending our space programs. And I'm not racist, trust me. I'm so not racist I'm like a, what's it called, reverse racist. I have lots of black friends. The first girl I ever talked into letting me make water on was a black girl. I love those black people. I hate white people. What happened to you, white people? You used to love space. Now I'd give it twenty years before the red Chinese are crawling all over that Mars ladyface. I've seen that from the window of a shuttle before. Beautiful. Or maybe that was the Species astronauts. Could be. It's been so long since I was allowed on a GD mission.

So I'm not supposed to complain too much to you kids about the budget getting slashed by manure brains in D.C. You want to hear about real space goings on. The big news right now is about this planet Gliese 581g. It's located about 20.5 light years away from earth. It's so far away we can't even really see it with our best telescopes, but some boring egghead figured out you can sort of see where a planet is by how it makes a star move around when it orbits. I don't get too deep into that sort of stuff because it will just make you want to take a dump.

Possibly alien life on planets I discovered. A real theory of what life might look like on these planets. The big deal is this planet, that nobody can even see and may not even exist for sure, is located in some zone of egghead BS surrounding the star where I guess people could maybe survive for a little while. That makes them think there's probably life on this planet, which is a really big deal if you're an egghead with zero dick and zero chance of getting sent into orbit and zero life except staring into computer screens and minesweepering your productive years away while your computer runs that SETI program that doesn't actually do anything it's just a secret CIA zombie worm virus that millions of people downloaded that uses their computer to attack Iranian power plants. Or so I read in a folder I way wasn't supposed to pick up and open.

Anyway, big whoop on this Gliese whatever planet. Earthbound astronomy is BS anyway kids. If you want to be a pro you've got to be an astronaut. Do most of your schoolwork, join the Marines, shoot down some bogies in the sandbox, bingo, bango you're on your way to the most powerful telescope of all: the human eye, in space. Out in space you don't have any atmosphere so you can see for much greater distances. Pretty much infinity distances. This allows you to see hidden planets and stars. I have discovered several thousand.

Here are some space objects I discovered on my digital camera that I haven't even sent in yet. These are first shots.

Tucker 182dd

Saw this bad boy out of the corner of my eye. Looks like a magnitude 100 planet object. Possibly because it's full of gold. Orbit is stable. Class M. Definite life. Advanced probably. If you note the way it's shaped this is a clear indication of high tech life with science discoveries willing to trade possibly. Cure for everything. Bigger Ds for dudes and a drug for ladies that puts your V back into shape even after its been pounded into burger heaps by an astronaut. Distance to earth is 10.5 light years so it's way more important to see than that Gliese one.

Cooze Cruise 82

Named this one after the ultimate spring break I experienced which occurred in 1982. We rented a catamaran, fully loaded if you know what I mean. We used to spend the day picking up hotties on the Gulf Coast beaches and then after dark we'd sail her out past the Coast Guard and meet up with this guy named Cuervo who sold us machine guns and bricks of heroin. We traded the H in the Dry Tortugas for some Peruvian marching powder and professional grade fireworks. It was insane. We ended up getting boarded by the Coast Guard after about two weeks and Tony B ate five ounces of cocaine and died from an exploded ventricle. So I named this piece of garbage binary crap after that event to honor his death. Definitely aliens in this region. Weak and easily turned into slaves. Planet is way habitable. Grade A1.

Danny Wuerffel 5

F my A if Danny Wuerffel isn't the greatest piece of meat ever to wear a QB jock in the history of Gators football. It only makes sense that a hero of the gridiron receives the sort of planet like this one that appears to have some Death Starish space structures and advanced cultures. Beam things. Possibly some sort of advanced computer controlling everything using holographics and what have you in a Cybertronic Transformery way. Grade 1000. Top level grade.

Harry Potter 45

See kids, look at space and how amazing it is? There's a whole world out there to be excited about. A Wizarding world! Harry Potter and all his friends are there, all the cool ones - Hagrid, Snapes, Gandalf, Centaur, Narutos, Paul Blart, Milee, South Park, Justin Bieber, Barbie, and the Sex in a City ladies. All of them are up there and they're having a birthday party for you every day. Who wants pizza? If you do you got to tell your mom and dad that you really want to be an astronaut and to call and write their congressman and tell him to Fing quit that S with the budget and fix the GD S you stupid MFing D Ser. And that Lt. Col. AJ Tucker should be put back on active ISS mission duty effective immediately and restored to Mission Commander status. And if you don't do it they'll all die from sadness.

Wicked Object 69

Some sort of cool vortex planet here. Possibly a portal to an alternate dimension or one of those wormels the eggheads are always talking about. Maybe a Battlestar Galactica. Oh, that would be great. Some of those robot ladies in there. If you're sick of listening to your old lady gripe or you're just a lonely dude sick of being terrible at everything then why not get yourself a robot woman. She's sexy and she never complains. Races available are tight Asian, blonde, and like a India-Pakistan sort of woman, but no dot or head scarf. I think there might have been some other robot lady but I could never keep track. Was it the fat girl who always wore the fireman pants? You can do her too if that's what you want. Just start voting out all the dudes who want to cut our budget and explode the deficits with their entitlements for babies or whatever. Space is the future my friend.

Ah well, I'll put these things on that free plug drive thing that Raytheon gave me that looks like a missile and load up all this crap. Show it to the eggheads and see what sort of lame experiments they want to do.

Keep dreaming of space! Signing off.

– AJ Tucker (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful