LIE #3: Bath salts are poisonous and can kill you (make your heart explode)

FACT: Not anymore poisonous than stuff approved by the FDA like artificial sweetener aspartame. In fact bath salts are 100% natural. They make them in labs for this shit using herbs and essence oils and what have you. Something like a gum tree or some Brazilian shit.

I read they make the harder stuff like Branson Oat Ecstasy or RelaxXxer out of like crushed up bug shells and ginseng and shit. Pretty sure.

LIE #4: Bath salts are addictive and will ruin your life

FACT: WRONG. I still have my job cleaning bathrooms at Greyhound station. That is like intensive work you got to know which layer of solutions to put onto which sort of stain or else it will just bake in there like developing a picture. Hobo blood is totally different formulas than that creepy donut batter looking stuff this one old man sometimes puts all over the inside of the handicap stall.

WTF does that even come out of? I got five bucks riding on it's some sort of knee fluid but little Danny D thinks he's got an electric pizza oven in there. Some drug addict couldn't add up the equations of mixtures into the bucket correctly. Point is I regularly go like several days without doing a toot. I'm more like a social bath salt dude. Like if I'm at a party and somebody is like "yo waddup we got the Soothing Stallion off the hook in here" I might run a couple rails up my snot sockets but I choose to it ain't like I have to.

Just as like a going away present me and big Danny D put together a list of the primo best bath salts. When you get your soak ache going you know we got the devices to put up your head.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful