Wow, what a week, right? The news has been insane!

There have been bombs and robberies and shootouts with the police and car chases and exploding vests. It's like something right out of an action movie. Maybe Vin Diesel and the Rock could be the stars. It's like, man, real life is a Michael Bay movie at this point.

I watched every second of it. From my hospital bed. That I'm in because my legs were blown up.

Pretty thrilling stuff. Just when you thought things were as crazy as they could get - BAM! - they get even crazier and you don't have any legs either.

Conflicting reports were coming through on the news, gun shots were echoing in the night, and they even cut to a helicopter shot at one point. I was waiting for some action music to kick in and really get my juices pumping, like the juices that are being pumped out of me by the catheter shoved up my dick. My piss juices. And blood.

Get Steven Spielberg on the phone. I have this great idea for a movie where the car chase ends with this intense fight between the cops and this terrorist and then, cut to a guy drinking soup with a straw in his hospital bed that he can't leave because his legs got blown the hell up. THE END. Incredible, right? Unforgettable.

Even though I was riveted to the breaking news, I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to see any parkour moves from the the guy the police were chasing. I would love to see him jumping up a wall like Jackie Chan or maybe doing those flips over walls and up staircases.

You know what is so great about those moves? Legs. Having them. Using them. Just fantastic, fun stuff.

I hope somebody had time for a romance in the middle of all the action. A good popcorn flick can get the ladies in the seats too. Bored housewives want to see a handsome policeman taking down a terrorist scumbag for the USA and romancing a beautiful coed. With his strong cop legs. That he uses to walk across rooms and crouch down to look at bullets. In his gripping, action-movie life.

You know the bad guy has to get brought down. Everybody loves a happy ending where the good guys catch the bad guy. Who blew off my fucking legs.

Just like in the fun action movies.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful