Next Stop: Serpentor!
In the realm of wacky religious groups, the "Raelians" are second only to the manifest evil and baby-eating of the Scientologemologists. Who are the Raelians you ask? They are these kooky folks who believe humanity was created by aliens genetically manipulating life and have founded a group called "Clonaid" in the hopes of cloning a human being. I assume this will somehow prove their "highly plausible" theory that aliens genetically engineered people from dirt or birds or something. Regardless of their crackpot human origin theories, I have to give their overall idea a lot of credit; there is a lot to be said about human cloning. For example:
Take that George Washington!
- You can clone a guy who is really good at cloning and then clone a woman who is really good at cloning and make them have kids. Then you could clone their kids and have them do a whole lot more cloning.
- You can clone one of the evil oppressors out of history like Hitler, Genghis Kahn, or George Washington. Raise the clone to adulthood believing they are an evil mastermind with a future in world domination. Then beat them up. ADDED BONUS: If you beat them to death, you can eat them! Conversely you could make sweet love to them if you prefer to kill them with kindness.
- Clone yourself and live life like a video game! No more needless risks when you've got several "extra lives" to expend on jumping that dangerous ravine! Why risk your life when you can risk your clone's?
- Problems with the opposite sex? Clone someone really attractive and use them to seduce the object of your affection. Then, while they are "getting it on," watch through a window and masturbate to your heart's content.
- Clone yourself to try on clothes at the mall. Do not feed clone butter unless you plan on eating butter yourself. Clones often demand butter. Know when to say "no".
- Clone your best friend and constantly hang out with the clone of your best friend, repeatedly claiming that the clone "listens to you better." Reconcile with your best friend and bond with them again by feeding the clone into a meat grinder and making clone sausages.
- Clone Babe Ruth, because that is one guy who knows how to treat a hooker and hit a ball out of the park. Or was it the other way around?
- One day clones will be cheaper than a mirror. Think about that for a minute! I am also lying.
There are a lot of possibilities for cloning but they are nothing when you think about the possibilities of cloning combined with the formative science of human genetic engineering. We have examined some of the wonderful options in a world where cloning is legal, now let's take the next step in this utopian future and picture some of the potential applications for genetic engineering in the cloning process.
Every baby wishes it could have tentacles. Just look how happy he is!
- Three words; tentacles, tentacles, tentacles. Every human being could benefit from a half-dozen tentacles, especially porn stars or Japanese businessmen who want to recreate their favorite Anime death mutant robot hellspawn monster rape porn comic!
- Clone and engineer some people that look like aliens by combining human DNA with fish or owl DNA or something. Have these human aliens create the human race from dirt or birds. A time machine would be a plus.
- Make a clone with giant lungs who can smoke a lot, because smoking makes you cool and so does giant cancer.
- Create a clone with the sole purpose of writing hilarious Onion headlines such as "Man Claims He Didn't Know He Was Speeding When Caught By Police", "Man Accuses Dog of Farting, When in Reality, He Farted", or "Man Does Something Horribly Predictable, Such As Write the Same Fucking Joke Over and Over and Over Every Fucking Week."
- Clone the cast of the A-Team and then give them all lobster bodies except for Face who should have a giraffe body.
- Play God and create a super-strong simpleton clone with a tender heart but an maddening fear of fire. Unleash him on the unsuspecting countryside of a backwards European hamlet. Sit back and enjoy as a torch-wielding mob hunts him down and kills him.
- Using the map of the human genome, remove the trait for "churlishness" from any clones.
- Bees are very good at checkers. Combine bee DNA with human DNA to create a checkers superstar and name him "The Widow Maker."
With the combined forces of cloning and genetics, the human race is one step away from godhood. Either that or we'll create an army of half-human / half-donkeys that we'll call "humkeys" and will be stubborn and swear a lot and chew tobacco. Good night folks, the painkillers are starting to wear off!
I'm ruined. Every dream in my life has been dashed. Fantastic product! Would buy again!
Astronaut AJ Tucker returns from a long hiatus to offer his insight about the possible "alien probe" spotted zipping through our solar system.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.