How to Spot Dogs: Dogspotting Orthodox Rules Explained

Congrats on sizing up your spot. Here's where the real fun begins. Let's see if the dog is doing anything worthy of bonus points.

	Extreme Lounging A dog contorting its body into an unnatural position in order to break the traditional boundaries of laziness.
	Action Dog Any dog performing athletic feats or demonstrating great skill.
	Curious Eater Any dog pushing the limits of the canine palate by eating something unusual, from disgusting to perplexing.
	Missing Component A dog with missing limbs, eyes or other parts that is still making an honest effort to live. NOTE: neutered dogs don't count.
	Dog Carrying Its Own Leash Also known as a ronin dog, or dog without a master.
	Working Dog A dog with an important job, such as a guide dog, bomb dog, rescue dog or cadaver dog.
	Hero Dog A dog performing a heroic act, such as rescuing a family from a burning building or aiding a senior citizen stuck in a well.

Not all spots are good. If the dog is doing something untoward, it may be subject to a Shame Dog penalty. If so, subtract the relevant points from the base score.

	Effete Overtraining Any dog performing humiliating actions designed solely for amusement, such as "dancing" or balancing a biscuit on its nose.
	Intimate Acts Any dog relieving itself or engaged in a carnal act. The shame is on you for looking, not the dog.
	Shameful Transport Unless gravely injured, very young or recently cremated, all dogs should carry their own weight. Dogs do not belong in baby carriers, strollers or handbags.
	Shameful Appearance Any dog dressed in awkward, nonfunctional attire or groomed in an embarrassing manner.
	Violent Behavior Any dog attacking other dogs or humans aggressively. Dogs acting in self-defense or in the defense of others are exempt.
	Criminal Mischief Any dog committing acts of theft, vandalism or murder. Natural dog behavior (vomiting into a priceless vase, etc.) does not count unless performed with malicious intent.
	Hegemonic Oppression Any dog being used as an agent of police or military intimidation or breaking up peaceful protests and union actions.

When two or more dogs are linked in certain ways, it is considered a multispot. When scoring a multispot, first add up the values of all eligible dogs, then multiply by the number of participants.

A multispot bonus is not necessarily awarded whenever multiple dogs are spotted at once! To qualify as a multispot, the dogs must be linked in one of the following manners:

• Connected via leashes to a single master or object
• Trotting together in a manner that suggests shared purpose
• An object being held by two or more dogs at the same time
• Occupying the same vehicle or container
• The physical act of love (subject to Intimate Act penalty for each offender)
• Feeding off a shared carcass or piece of food
• Violence or full-contact horseplay

Note: multispots don't always work in your favor, especially when small dogs are involved.

Amongst dogkind, there are some unique specimens that go above and beyond, achieve the impossible and demonstrate extraordinary integrity. These are called Honored Dogs, and they are treasured by all serious dogspotters.

Sadly, many Honored Dogs, such as Laika, The Auditor and Hachiko, live on only as statues. If you happen to see the statue of an Honored Dog, you should count it just the same as any true living dog, but with an appropriate and respectful bonus.

Each Honored Dog, in living or statue form, shall only be counted ONCE within the lifetime of the dogspotter. As always, you should first find the base score, then apply the bonus multiplier.

Tip: be careful of statues of small Honored Dogs, such as Franklin D. Roosevelt's dog Fala, worth a terrifying -200 points.

With every spot you should:

1. Determine whether this dog is known to you personally. If so, disregard it.

2. Determine the dog's size to find the base score.

3. Determine if the dog is engaged in behavior worth bonus points or subject to a penalty.

4. Determine if the dog is eligible for multispot bonus. If so, add up total points of each participating dog and multiply by the number of dogs involved.

5. Record final score in your dogspotting ledger or share it online.

A huge thanks goes to John Savoia, David Thorpe and Reid Paskiewicz and the countless people furious at me for calling small dogs inferior.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)