Traditional schools waste students' time by telling them things. Nice one, guys. Real subtle. We believe education should take the form of a moist skeletal claw slapping your hand away from a hot stovetop. So what does that mean, exactly?

Every career, no matter how intimidating or complex, really just comes down to knowing three things specific to that job. These three pillars are all a new employee needs to know on their first day, the only three things they need to carry them through their entire career, and the final three things they need to think about as they die on the job in a terrible, inevitable accident.

Don't University prepares students for the real world by telling them everything they should not do or know in the three pillars of their chosen career path. Each lesson anticipates the mistakes pupils are most likely to make, leaving them with the correct answer. We like to call this the Process of Elimineducation. When we say it out loud it makes people frown.

Please enjoy a few sample lessons from some of our most popular courses.

Lesson One: Keeping The Bomb Undetonated

DON'T try to confuse the bomb's timer by shouting out random numbers

DON'T follow the Quick Disarming instructions left for you by the bomber, even if they say "100% Genuine, 100% Trustworthy"

DON'T shake the bomb vigorously to find out if it's powered by a hamster running in a wheel

DON'T blow out the candles on your birthday cake after wishing for the bomb to blow up

Future Lessons: Snipping The Right Wire, Finding The Nearest Garbage Can For Disposal

Lesson One: Getting Super Mad About Topiary

DON'T remind yourself that it's only topiary

DON'T feel self-conscious about your obvious put-on attitude

DON'T stop sneering, frowning, or rolling your eyes

DON'T forget to rip up a picture of topiary as you ask viewers to like and subscribe

Future Lessons: Managing Your First Billion Dollars, What's A Topiary

Lesson One: Finding The Dang Ocean

DON'T pour a bottle of water out in your yard then follow its trail

DON'T buy a map of the Earth without oceans, then highlight the spots that don't quite look right

DON'T ask someone wearing an "I Hate The Ocean Because I Know Nothing About It" shirt for directions

DON'T start at the nearest beach, stand with your back to the water, then go straight forward

Future Lessons: Petting Fish, Holding The Hoop For Sea Lions To Jump Through

Lesson One: Getting On A Horse

DON'T jump completely over the horse, sailing over it like Scrooge McDuck pogo bouncing on his cane

DON'T lay on your back with your legs in the air and plead with the horse to hover over you upside-down

DON'T flop to the ground as if you were boneless, hoping for a random vibration on the ground to fling your body up and onto the horse

DON'T stand in front of the horse and squeeze as hard as you can in an attempt to stretch your legs out real tall

Future Lessons: Tossing Dynamite, Choosing A Topping For The Victory Pizza Party

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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