VOICE Hotline Transcript #121445
FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY - DO NOT REDISTRIBUTE
[incoherent mumbling] two for Spanish my ass [incoherent mumbling] think I'll be hitting ONE today. America [incoherent mumbling] USA.
Ah, hello? Is this the Victims Of Immigration Crime Engagement hotline? My name is Marcel Anguish, I live on Washington street in Omahi. Corner of third and mayhew. My new neighbour is an immigrant - and I'm fairly sure he's an illegal immigrant - and he has been harassing me and my family ever since he moved in. I'm just - I'd just like to know what legal recourse i have with regard to three major incidents, specifically.
The first incident, i will heretofore refer to as incident one. Trespassing on my property. He was walking a large and very vicious looking dog past my house, and he - this dog, it ran away from him, and it ran into my front garden, and remained there for a time. He tried to catch the dog by its leash but it kept running away so it took a while. The dog was a pit-bull i think and this was one dog but it was as large as two dogs. I have kids, i have daughters, the dog was barking very loudly and snarling, they were inside at the time but if they had been outside playing at chicken scratch or monkey [incoherent], as they often do, they could have been mauled or - or even even worse, it doesn't bear thinking about. I'm sorry, but if you mess with my girls, that's almost like you're messing with me.
Incident two. The second incident. I'm done talking about incident one now. He was with his wife, and they were walking past my house, and he gave me an aggressive, a very threatening look. a very definite scowl at me, and then he said something, to his wife, that sounded like, [insectoid chittering] sorry I don't know what language it was but he had quite dark skin so i think it may have been Muslim or even Egyptian. I don't know if this is "politically correct" but he looked very much like a heiroglyph, from the side. Egypt?
Incident three. a boy who - I'm done with incident two now - a boy who I think - who I THINK was his son, you can't be sure, immigrants tend to have large confusing families - he attacked me, the son attacked me. He threw a large ball, larger than a soccer ball, made of plastic, at me at my house. I was inside my house. The ball hit the wall three feet to my left. It was the most terrifying experience of my life. I mean I'm sorry if this isn't "politically" "correct" - and if you transcribe this call be sure to put both those words in quotation marks - but I think he may have been trying to radicalize me to ISIS. And to be honest i am seeing the world in a new light. [pause] No, you know, just that there are two sides to every conflict, what's right to one person might be wrong to another, etc, etc.
Listen, I don't own a gun but I might have buy one to to protect my castle and my kingdom and its royal family by which I mean my daughters. I have five infant daughters - Cheryl, Chloe, Golden Rose, Tam-tam [that's our nickname for Tammy], and Delphius - and i'm worried if this situation isn't dealt with that he will marry each and every one of them, which they do, they do that.
Their address is number 96. No, wait, that's upside down... [sound of shuffling paper] No, that's still 96. It's the same number upside down or right way around. Please make my bad neighbour go back to China or India or, I want to say, Turkey?
Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Hey, and to you too.
[Sound of old fashioned rotary phone being hung up]
Following America's defeat in World War 3, allied forces uncovered a number of experimental weapon prototypes in the hotel-compound of Trump's loyalist Space Force army. Had the war continued just a few more months, these secret weapons would have changed the course of the war.
Extremely proud over here! The bosses took notice and I have been promoted to 20 cages!!
Are there arrows in Tomb Raider? "No. Absolutely not."
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.