Strategy and Features

You folks can take your blast processing this and your force feedback that and stick ‘em in your sweet pentunia! The beautiful simplicity of electric football cannot be recreated by any of your modern supercomputers or large, intelligent refrigerators. Although the technology used to power electric football – giant tubes which would often increase household temperatures 50 to 60 degrees and make housepets dangerously violent – was once harmful, in these modern times it’s never been easier to vibrate a large sheet of metal! And in the off-season, mom or Girlfriend Sally will have loads of fun with many of the game board’s optional uses, such as “pick up the moving quarter without using your hands!”

PROTIP: Don’t play electric football using your mouth! You'll find it much more fun to use your hands- and it will lead to far fewer moments of doubting your sexual identity!

Is it real, or is it electric football? Your guess is as good as mine! (ANSWER: ELECTRIC FOOTBALL)

Game Features

  • Expertly crafted humanlike figures with up to three colors of paint! If you squint, you’d swear you were in a blimp watching a real football game being played in a stadium that was constructed on a giant card table for some reason!
  • Rugged cardboard box for all of your boxing, unboxing and storage needs!
  • Patented Vibratech Technology ensures that players will arbitrarily spin around and move backwards- just like in the XFL!
  • Create your own halftime show using the power of your imagination!
  • Balls are just needless accessories that complicate things, go missing, and clog countless gutters. That’s why electric football only recruits quarterbacks with footballs soldered to their palms (coming soon to the NFL in 2008)!
PROTIP: Contrary to popular belief, plays do not last 30 minutes. Without commercial interruption and dancing CGI Gatorade molecules, most plays in actual games last a mere ten seconds! Keep this in mind, as it will allow you to play hundreds, if not thousands of games in a single weekend!
  • Is little sis getting bored because she can’t join in? Have her open up a concession stand to feed you hungry coaches using dad’s beer and other accessories! Or, simply have her remove most of her clothing and play cheerleader for a sight that’s sure to bring your team V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!
  • Lack of scoring mechanism will ensure your math skills stay sharp!
  • Rules? What rules? With Keith Jackson’s Pro Electric Football 1958, we know that football is no mystery to you. That’s why we’ve neglected to include any kind of documentation, or answer such common questions as, “What’s happening now?!” Real football doesn’t require any namby-pamby reading, and your confusion about electric football will only build character and increase your skill at electric football.
  • Take electric football outside for realistic weather effects!
PROTIP: Cheat code: Remove power source from electric football during player two’s turn. Warning: can only be used once.

As you can see, every game of Keith Jackson’s Pro Electric Football 1958 is more varied than Terry Bradshaw’s complex albino DNA! Folks, the man has a tail with a hand on the end of it.

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