Invitation to Exclusivus

• Surrogate grandpas with the best stories. Our surrogate grandpas are unmatched in the industry. Grandmas available on request.

• Waater. Pure H₃0.

• Personalized monster ballads can turn anything you do into a metaphor about a sex and/or vaginas.

• Steaming hot Shroud of Turin.

• Courtesy ape. Also available as courtesy ape diaper plus and sexual favor ape.

• Crabs caught on-camera by the Deadliest Catch people on a ship where something major went down, not one of those shitty extra ships where the dumb captains call random people on the radio and ask if they saw any crabs and the other captains are like "yes jeez we see them all the time, try lookin' in the ocean, dillwad CLICK" Not one of those ships.

Exclusivus is capable of providing the perfect companion for an evening or a lifetime...

• Celebrities. Did you know that Peter Falk is still alive? He will pound weiners 24/7 until your dinker looks like a hot dog mop and then he'll pop out his crazy eye to give you some secret pills that will make you go all night.
  

• You like tall ladies? We got a tall lady. She can throw you up in the air like a baby and on your way back down swing a giant prop fork at you and knock you into next week. You love that.
  

• How about something petite? There is a lady that fits inside a compartment on a ring and she will climb down your dude chute and douse your inner glands with her love musk. When she's done blasting her lady mist up inside you that thing of yours is gonna look like one of those smoke stacks from the beginning of Blade Runner. All practical effects.
  

• Do you want to kiss the poophole of a Supreme Court Justice? Sandra Day O'Connor is fresh as a sprig of mint back there and if you prefer a sitting justice, well, Scalia will sit on anything if you give him enough McDonald's Monopoly pieces.
  

• General Patraeus is available for marriage if the dowry is right. He claims looks aren't important, but you might want to take a quick flip through the current deck of those most wanted playing cards. If you look like Haleed Bin Assad that might be awkward.
  

• Centaurs available, both sexes, just don't ask any questions about why they're Chinese, screaming, and can't walk anywhere.

The only question remaining is why you are not a member yet...

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)