A Gentleman's Guide to Not Dying of No Money- or Food-Having

Hello! You are aware of shows like Survivor Man and Woods Man Lives and Hermit Quest. Tales of men living in woods and trees and eating suppers of big bugs and bug-rich bark. These shows receive wonderful ratings, such as A+ and ++. Big Whoop, America! Did You Know: Men eat lawn grasses and terrible foods every day all over this great nation because of friendly bets and dares! Friendly bets and dares that can earn Cold Hard Cash for the enterprising bug eater. I should know, because I'm one of the greats!

Gold Medalist: TriState Beasts Feast 2k5 & 2k6;
Silver Medalist: Straw Creek Chow Hound Show Down 2007
Honorable Mention: Mudbug Snack Meet 2002

I desire something more. Being unemployed in these difficult days of not having jobs can be very difficult, and I am one to know, because I have no money at all. I'm a Survivor Man as well, but not the kind you'd see in Hollywood! I am a celebrity of the dimly lit backalley. I stay well fed (husky dude warning! Haha beware this belly!) and have sometimes accrue a small fortune of trinkets in these generous and plentiful cargo pockets (Lesson: a real eater has an eye for utility, and another eye for fashion. Cargo pants are a killer deal for the hungry man of today.)

Time to learn some terms. You're going to be facing some mean challenges out there, so you'd better learn the lingo!!

  • Stink Bug Blitz!!

"Blearh," you say, "aaggarrwf! Ease up there, I'm new at consuming garbage for dollars and I'm scared as hell!" I know you just spoke those words to yourself, and now you've got a killer case of the creeps! Heebie Jeebs!! Well QUIT SQUIRMING!! In the world of speculative consumption, you're going to get the stinkbug wild card thrown at you a lot, especially during a Double or Nothing bug munching. "What's the secret, how don't I barf and yarf?" The answer might surprise you, because it's fake bugs. With basic crayons and some glue, an unseeming pebble can be transformed into a gross critter! Not only will you win bets by eating plain and pleasant groundpebbles but they aid in the digestion of the real bugs you'll probably have to eat anyways. (what did I say about your utility eye? Use it or lose it buster)

Congrats, you've hurdled the biggest hurdle for the beginning Gross Things Eater.. But the road is long and covered with trash you gotta eat.....

  • Sticks and Stones (May Disrupt Your Guts and Ass)

So your confidence is riding high! You've been a Dare Eater for a few weeks now and have no doubt grown fat and happy off your newfound earnings! Or maybe you've gotten very skinny, but with a toned core, immaculate abs because bugs contain tons of protein but VERY little fat. (Ladies, have I found you a new diet?? Watching a woman eat bugs really makes me wild but I think perhaps this author is letting out a bit too much info..) Aaoaa but what's this???? You've crossed paths with another seasoned eater and the stakes are high! In America, this will usually mean a "Ground Round" is "afoot."

The "Ground Round"

Scurry and scuttle, time's on the line! 30 seconds is all you've got to fill your fists with twigs and the groadiest soil you can. Opponent must eat the contents of your tightened clasp, and vice versa. Heaping handfuls are the name of the game, so steel that belly you little child or you'll lose. Got big hands? Prepare to dominate the competition with those manly mitts, dig into the soil with those steamshovel paws and unearth a serious mound sure to devastate the rival eater. What type of soil is the best? You wanna aim for fine sands and silts, dry particulate is sure to leave your opponent coughing and sputtering like an old car and make his engine (pulmonary system) seize up. The pot of winnings for the match is always decided before the Ground Round, so make sure your wallet can match your confidence.

Celeb Scroungers!
Tinseltown's finest filling their maws with grubs? Get the scoop!

William H Macy! Leggo that trash, grimy dude, you've got thick dollar stacks to buy uncrude food! We call this type the Thrill Eater, a man with means to eat clean but a big ol' appetite for slop opportunity. Slop on!

Frankie Muniz- Did not expect this from the child god, king actor of Malcolm in the Middle, but yes it's true. You know what else I didn't expect? For this young Adonis to best me in a soil scarfing. I am a proud man, but WOW an astonishing performance from Frankie! He was the one to challenge ME to a Ground Round and I've never seen such small hands produce such an inedible pile. Tiny bits of dried prickers, some mouse turds, and some extremely acrid acetic sediment. Somehow he managed to dig up a small fossilized trilobite. What a pro! Truly some lessons to learn from this up-and-comer. I'll see you again, Frankie Muniz, on the fields of battle, or perhaps the Elysian Fields, a dirt champ's Valhalla, rife and bursting with bugs in the golden meadows.

Billy Mays- This man is a real cauldron of fire, a truly impassioned man with a vivid personality that flies in your face like sparks off of a giant factory machine. Interestingly enough, this celeb was spotted on an outdoor restaurant patio, burger in hands, glossy eyed and bug mouthed. This TV VIP had his gaze skyward taking slow bites of an ant-ridden burger. I don't know how long he had been there, but the waitstaff was very nervous and would not come close to him or pass through the chalk circle that surrounded his little table. I don't know who drew this boundary but the ants did not seem to obey. That or Billy Mays is able to generate his own ants. I've made some notes in my journal regarding this, perhaps there is a link between bug input (eating insects off the ground or a burger) and bug output (Billy Mays)

Christian Bale- Ha ha! No, I'm just kidding. I wish, though! Imagine seeing this cinema wizard munching on some beetles or aphids? It would be so wild! But who knows, hey, it could happen!

Welcome to the World of Men (That Eat Junk for Greenbacks)
Your mind is now honed and keen like the finest samurai sword, and like the sword of the samurai, it cannot be sheathed until blood (bugs) is drawn (eaten). So get out there! Get outside into the crud zone and begin building your reputation. You're new to the grime game, so start slow but confident. Maybe you're walking to a convenience store and you spy a cutie spying you! Excite her with your nimble fingertips as you prick cigarette butts and pebbles from the sidewalk and send shivers up and down her spine and ass as you consume these things. Make her sweat and pant as you eat sun-baked garbage off of the sidewalk, and no doubt she'll be telling friends soon about this handsome traveler eating roadside things. This is how you build a reputation, and this is how you make the big bucks in the litter game.

See You Later, Dirt Cowboy...

The author of this article, Justin "Hoobastank" Marquis, can be reached for question, comment, or death threat at stuntin.shinin@gmail.com or by shining a flashlight into your own eyes and butt at the same time.

– Justin "Hoobastank" Marquis (@fart)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful