A tribe of totally hot, topless women bounce on horseback across Westeros conquering one town after another, forcing the world to stare at their feminine beauty and flawless skin. Despite all the weaponry of the kingdoms, no one can stop these tan babes from shimming in the sun.
Key Moment: Two commanding officers unexpectedly celebrate in the tradition of their ancestors by rubbing their perfect bodies against one another under a waterfall.
By the end of the season, the opening credits last 42 minutes.
Key locations: Tree Imp Urinated Behind, Neglected Compost, Pile of Unimportant Rocks.
The Kingdom of Pyke accidentally pillages and burns the wrong town because, really, who can remember all these names? An awkward and forced apology is given once the flames die down.
Key Quote: “Whoa, did you say Phirobus or Pildroda? Oh. Wow. Wow. Big mistake. We owe you one. This,” motions towards pile of mutilated bodies hanging from trees, “was meant for someone else. Gosh, can you believe it? Egg on my face!”
The season finale has the cast gather on a closed set to watch a clipshow of all the best beheadings. Video is set to wacky music and canned laughter. There’s light bickering and a few tears as they reflect on another season, but the host keeps things pretty light with his questions. There’s a live poll throughout the episode where you can call in and cast your vote for Fan Favorite Murder. One lucky caller getting a souvenir severed head.
Key Fan Question: “Keith in Oklahoma City asks, “Hey Lannisters you guys totally suck! Why you so sucky?!”
More Product Placement!
A city is raided. The nomads with their horned helmets force their way into house after house, dragging anything still breathing into the streets. Cries of mercy fill the night, blood pools into the river.
Key Quote: “What’s in your wallet?”
Athslor arrives in King’s Landing from his royal lands to improve trade between the two majestic kingdoms. Highly educated, honest, from established lineage, and also black, Athslor is immediately beheaded by one of the many blond, blue-eyed nobles.
Key Moment: “We don’t like them kind of people in our fantasy, do we?” Murder says looking at camera, giving audience a bloody thumbs up.
The Night’s Watch’s march for wildlings is interrupted when roving activists dump red paint all over their uniforms. The hippies are quickly slaughtered, but the lavish wolf fur will never be the same.
Key Quote: “Fur is murder? Then what’s this?”
Each episode of Game of Thrones ends ten minutes early to introduce Celebrity Musical Chairs. The game show features famous actors and TV personalities draped in loincloths staggering around ring of iron thrones while being whipped ruthlessly. When the music stops, they fight over chairs, clawing their way to a seat. The winning prize is twelve minutes of peace before it starts up again.
Key Moment: Kathy Griffin stomps around the set when she is left without a chair. Eliminated from the competition, she complains for a few minutes. Then she is beheaded.
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
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